I’m afraid this post might be a bit rambling. Inspired by Recurrently Lost I’m exploring thoughts which I’ve been having for a while but I don’t think I’ve reached a coherent conclusion yet.
Today is my first “should have been” due date. So far I’m not feeling too emotional but I’ll see how the day goes. Around the time of our first miscarriage the boy and I agreed that we would be able to cope with today provided we were pregnant again by the time today came around. I remember when we were saying this that I was confident that we would definitely be pregnant by now. I wasn’t just hopeful, I was confident. Pretty certain of my ability to get pregnant again and encouraged by statistics which said that one miscarriage was exceeding common and was rarely followed by subsequent losses.
Well we did manage to get pregnant again pretty quickly only to have a second missed miscarriage which was discovered at 9 weeks. This I was not prepared for. Although I was a worrier during my second pregnancy, I refused to calculate my due date (not wanting another “it should have been today” day) and saying a little “please no bleeding” prayer each time I used the bathroom, I didn’t actually think it would happen a second time. But despite all of the well intentioned (but utterly annoying) platitudes I’ve received about “just staying relaxed” and “it will happen if you stop trying”, it seems that my mental state has no bearing on my ability to carry to term.
At the end of her post today, Recurrently Lost said that she didn’t feel as if she’d ever be in “the mommies” group. My first thought when I read that was, I feel like that. But when I thought about it more, I realised that I’m just trying to fool myself. When I say to my husband that I don’t think attempt number three will be successful, I’m not being entirely truthful. I think I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t believe it will work because it will be less of a shock/less painful if I’m mentally prepared for a third loss. The problem is I know I’m not, I know that deep down I think that number three will stick, I’m obviously completely aware that it might not and I know I’ll still be a nervous wreck if we get pregnant again but I can’t get myself into a mindset where I accept that we could fail in our quest to be parents. Every time I think about it, I’m frustrated that we’re having to go through this process to get our baby but I never doubt that we will. It’s not even hope, it’s actually delusion! I’ve completely blocked out the possibility that I might never carry a baby to term. It’s always “when we have a baby” not “if”. Occasionally I correct myself or correct the boy if he’s talking about it. “We’ve got to be realistic, it’s not when, it’s if” and I feel pleased with myself for maintaining a healthy attitude but there’s an annoying voice in my head which says “yeah, yeah “if”, very good for not getting ahead of yourself, but you know secretly its a “when”". I can’t even use reverse psychology on myself to convince myself that I’m prepared for a failure.
I know this isn’t healthy. It’s good to have hope and to not feel like I’m falling into a pit of despair but if I can’t even contemplate to possibility that I’ll never carry a baby to term, how will I ever cope if that becomes a reality? And as I write this that annoying voice in my head said “it doesn’t matter, you won’t have to cope as that won’t be your reality!” Aghh *contemplates how to silence inner voice* All suggestions welcomed!