Maybe this time? (Pg mentioned)

Despite our problems in the bedroom this cycle it appears that we have caught the egg for the fifth time. I did a test on Saturday (12DPO) and it was a bit faint which had my mind spinning with fears of another chemical pregnancy but today’s is looking stronger so at least for today we are pregnant again.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about fellow blogger and recurrent miscarriage sufferer Bruised Banana. On discovering her fourth pregnancy (which sadly ended in miscarriage) she wrote a blog which summarised exactly what I’m feeling now so I wanted to share some extracts:

“Before you say anything at all, I remind you that my infertility does not concern GETTING pregnant. My problem is staying that way and there is no explanation as to why I have that problem. This will be [#5] in less than two years. I’m terrified. I’m anxious. I’m over analyzing every little thing.”

“I get that it’s hard to see someone else be pregnant. But please understand that THIS is my infertility. Being pregnant hasn’t solved anything. I’m not suddenly looking at nurseries or picking out names…… 12 weeks? 6 would be a milestone. 9 would be a record. I can’t think about 12 weeks right now.”

Like her I don’t know how to feel now. In my mind a BFP means another miscarriage, I don’t have thoughts of pregnant bellies or babies I’m just wondering how far I’ll get this time. Will this all be over by the weekend with me being embarrassed about feeling even the smallest bit of excitement that this might work? Or will there be another distressing ultrasound with another D&C? Will the molar pregnancy reappear? Who knows. I just know that I want this to work out so badly I can’t even bring myself to hope.

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13 thoughts on “Maybe this time? (Pg mentioned)

  1. There is surely nothing I can say that will make you feel more confident or hopeful about this pregnancy but I just wanted to say I have been very moved by your story, your trials (after only one miscarriage and one chemical myself – I feel so defeated and depressed that I am considering giving up this painful pursuit), and that I will be keeping hope that this is THE pregnancy for you…

    • Thank you, your words mean a lot. I think this is hard however many times you go through it. I too really hope this is the one.

    • Thank you. I’m definitely trying to be hopefully I just don’t want to face the disappointment if this doesn’t work out. I’m not able to read your posts as I don’t have the password. I’m not on Twitter but will try to set up an email so I can email you as I don’t want to use my work one for private stuff x

      • Set up a gmail account, it’s free. I think you have to have a backup email, but that’s only in case you lose your password. I’ve never gotten an email on my other account for 3 years, so I felt safe linking my email to gmail when I set it up.

  2. Pingback: Experiences from my four miscarriages | My MMC Story

  3. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’ve only had one loss, but I can relate to the fears that you have with pregnancy after loss. I’m into my 11th week and I am STILL nervous and scared that something could go wrong at any moment. I hope it gets easier. I will pray for you, that God will bless you and this sweet baby you are carrying to be strong and resilient and I pray for peace for you. XO

    Mel @ There Is A Higher Hope

  4. Congratulations! I’ve only had one miscarriage, but I understand your fear. Whether a woman has had 1, 5, or 10 miscarriages, she is acutely aware that a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sending you lots of healthy, growing baby vibes!

  5. Oh honey, I’m so sorry you feel like this. I totally get your fears though, after having so many previous miscarriages. I hope and pray that this is the one for you, and you get to pass all of those milestones and SO MANY MORE. Thinking of you.

  6. I just suffered my first miscarriage, so I can now understand this fear on some level, although obviously not the same as your experience. I wish peace and happiness to you. I get you don’t feel you can hope now, so I’ll hope for you :)

  7. I remember BB’s post well, it struck a chord in me too. Nothing about RPL feels safe or assured, it’s a delicate balance of what-ifs, and could-it-be-trues. I hope so hard that you are only getting some tiny minor spotting right now, that will end soon. Will be watching, hoping & holding your hand xxx

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