2012 was such a fantastic year, I got married, bought a new house, had a fantastic honeymoon and a lovely Christmas. In the Christmas card to my husband I thanked him for a wonderful year and hoped that 2013 would be the same. Sadly that wasn’t to be.
Only seven months in to the year and the list of events reads like a catalogue of horrid life events: my mother in law is suffering with rapidly advancing dementia (she’s only 61), my husband’s grandmother has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy and my husband lost his job after his monster of a boss decided to sack him without cause, without notice and without pay (the day before our mortgage was due). On top of that we have suffered two missed miscarriages requiring two D&Cs.
That was enough for me. Despite trying to cope with everything and keep up with work (my boss also left a few months ago so I’m now doing the work of two people), I’ve been experiencing anxiety symptoms which i don’t know if i can ignore much longer. Then last week I had a call from my mum (I should have known it was ominous as she never calls me) to let me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I know it’s awful as I should be supporting her but all I could think was ‘I don’t need this, I can’t cope’ Me, me, me! I obviously didn’t say this to her and tried to say all the right things but I still feel guilty that my first thought was for myself.
Her operation was last week and it went well so we are now waiting (two weeks, how apt!) for the results of her sentinel node biopsy. I’m not even considering the possibility that they won’t be clear, I just can’t let my mind go there, I fear it might break me mentally in a way I can’t control or recover from.
My husband also had a job interview yesterday for a fantastic job. He should hear today if he’s been invited for a second interview. I hope that he’s successful but I’m not getting excited as I don’t want to have to deal with the disappointment if he doesn’t get it. This is how I typically deal with the two week wait every month. I can’t help thinking that internalising my feelings is not healthy and could lead to damaging (miscarriage inducing) stress but I cannot see there is another option. Hopefully keeping this blog will help and life will start being a little kinder very soon!