Anxiety

After learning of each of my missed miscarriages I returned to work the next day and I was back at work less that 24 hours after my last ERPC. I wasn’t trying to be strong or to ignore what had happened, I just didn’t know what else to do. Miscarriages are spontaneous events which happen without warning so there is no time to prepare, to write handover notes for colleagues or to finish off the urgent work on your to-do list. Both times I considered taking some time off but I felt like it would just make me feel worse to be sitting at home thinking about what had happened, worrying about whether I will ever have a successful pregnancy and knowing that while I was doing that the mountain of work my desk in the office was quickly growing.

Sadly my fear of not being able to leave my workload with others was proved right after my secretary failed to even monitor my email account while I had one day off for the ERPC operation (made more disappointing as I had expressly asked her to check and she knew the reason I was out of the office).

Unfortunately it seems that I am now paying the price for not giving myself time to recover physically and heal mentally as I have been experiencing strong anxiety symptoms (something I’ve never suffered from before) which are making working now even harder than those first few days post miscarriage. I’m suffering from regular dizzy spells, tight chest and clammy hands and my concentration is non existent I constantly find myself worrying about future pregnancies or whether my mum or the boy’s nan (both of whom are undergoing cancer treatment) will be alive to see us have a baby. After trying to self manage the symptoms for the last few weeks, I’ve now made an appointment to see my GP next week to hopefully get myself sorted. I was just wondering whether anyone else felt like they were coping ok only for their body to let them know that they might not be doing as well as they had thought?

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3 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. It’s the weirdest thing. Just last night I mentioned to hubby that I feel like I have something stuck in my esophagus. Like there’s something squeezing my diaphragm. That sometimes I can feel my heart beating so fast it feels like it’s going to jump out of my body. These symptoms seem to appear when I least expect it: in meetings, during meals, while sleeping. And mentally I thought things were a bit better. A little bit brighter. But we realised it’s my body going “Hey don’t ignore me. You’re not doing as good as you think. Commence meltdown.”
    But I do agree it was tough to allow myself the 2 weeks off after finding out / ERPC. (Well, when I say off I mean working from home in the comfort of my pjs and cat.) I was worried about drowning in self-pity but in retrospect I realise that the stuff is going to come out whether I choose to recognise it or not. So give yourself a break. It’s freaking hard to stay on top of a demanding job like you have and coping with what you’ve been through. You’re one tough cookie. Be good to yourself. Xo

  2. I’m so sorry you’re not coping as well as you thought you were. Anxiety is very difficult and like depression, has a downward spiral.

    I thought I was OK with my first one but in the following weeks and months, I found I made more and more mistakes that really increased my anxiety. With my second one, I tried the same thing and I ended up in the psych ward. With the third one, I demanded a week off. That was the one I dealt with the best. I went and got my hair done, had lunch with my mom, and spent the rest of the week crying. Basically what I’m saying is that I think it’s completely normal.

    I really applaud you for seeing your GP as soon as possible to get yourself sorted. I wish you the best.

  3. I did the same thing for my first two miscarriages – I didn’t miss a second of work. Life went on and i recovered quickly physically and emotionally.
    This third time, after seeing no growth and not finding a heartbeat on the ultrasound I sat in the doctor’s office and cried uncontrollably. She wrote me out of work for a month. It was hard letting go of my workload but I needed it. I needed to heal. I cried so much more this time than the last two because I finally allowed myself to cry. I relaxed. I started running. I lost 20lbs. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have that time off.

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