[Apologies folks, its a long one today, i didn’t realise i had so much to say until i started writing]
I feel like there should be an anonymous group meeting for me to go to. “Good morning, my name is [x] and I am jealous of other people”. It’s not pretty and I generally try to keep my feelings to myself but I admin that at times I turn into a horrid green eyed monster!
I see people in town with their pregnant bellies or pushing a new born in a pram and I am overcome with jealously. And it’s not just the people who have babies that get to me. I’m also hugely jealous of the people who are blissfully unaware of the difficulties which can be faced when trying to start a family. They have the “it’ll never happen to me” mentality that I used to have and I’m jealous of their care free attitude.
I have a friend who has very recently given birth to a baby boy after years of IVF and she always said that other people’s pregnancies didn’t bother her. She was entirely focused on her own goal and wasn’t jealous of other people. She wanted her baby and whether other people were pregnant was nothing to do with her. I think that is a hugely impressive attitude but I have no idea how she achieved it. She’s a much better person that I am (or she’s fibbing).
My jealousy can arise just by seeing people who have what I want and it’s made 100 times worse if I hear them talking about it. Here is a list of things that have sparked my green eyes recently (apologies but I need to get these off my chest):
* a friend who is a little older than me saying she didn’t understand the baby craze spreading amongst our group of friends. In her view she’s far too young and she’ll have her family (she wants a few children) as soon as she’s got a promotion at work – obviously it will just happen over night. Want baby, have baby -simples!
* a friend who is currently 5 months pregnant who went skiing for a week during the first trimester despite having not skied before and falling a lot because miscarriages are rare and if she had one she’d just get pregnant again. She also had an abortion less than two years ago because it wasn’t quite the right time for a baby. Again, want baby, have baby. Needless to say she’s having a perfect pregnancy this time!
* the girl at work, whose baby is due the same time my first would have been, complaining that she’s still got two more weeks of work before her maternity leave because she’s bored of work now. Imagine what that’s like when you had thought of your maternity leave and then it was taken away!
* the friend who recently had a baby who said that “as soon as she found out she was pregnant that everything would be ok as she knew her pregnancy was meant to be!” – hmm because its the power of wishful thinking which keeps embryos growing!
* all of the girls on the awful TV shows who’ve apparently only had sex once whilst on the pill but still seem to be able to get pregnant over and over again. As if its like falling off a log!
And I am jealous of all of them. They have the babies that I desperately want and more importantly they have the relaxed carefree pregnancies that I’ll never have. I want so badly to see that little blue line and to be filled with hope and excitement and I want to be able to go to the toilet when pregnant and not say a little no bleeding prayer first. But those things are lost to me and for that reason I’m jealous!
I will try to keep my jealousy hidden and will maintain my ‘I’m so happy for you’ face and instead I will rant about them on this blog as I’m sure that at least some of you have your own little green eyed monsters that you try hard to keep hidden too (or you’re just all much nicer bunch of people than me).