I’m awash with conflicting emotions today. A girl in my team at work has her last day before she starts her maternity leave today. The team have decorated her desk with baby banners and other paraphernalia and she will be having a presentation of baby related gifts and a celebratory lunch whilst people cluck and coo and pat her belly and tell her how pleased they are for her to be having another baby so soon (she already has a 3 year old).
And I feel:
(I) Sad as my baby was due at almost exactly the same time. She had her 12 week scan a couple of days before I had mine and discovered my baby had died and I was told of her pregnancy the day I returned to work after my ERPC. I try not to dwell on it but today’s events have brought it all back to the front of my mind. It should have been me too. I should also be going on maternity leave today soon to have my little bundle of joy.
(ii) Jealous. It’s an ugly emotion and I wish I didn’t feel it but I do. I want to be nothing but happy for her. I like her a lot and would never wish anything bad on her but my happiness for her is tinged with sadness for myself and that makes me jealous. She already has a baby and now number two is almost here. I would be happy with just one so that we could be a proper family. I remember chatting at the Christmas party about how we could get pregnant together and hang out on our maternity leave (we were both TTC at the same time). It was so close to happening until my stupid body screwed it up!
(iii) Frustrated that no one will appreciate or even consider how hard today will be for me. I don’t want to be all me, me, me, but if just one person in the office would do something to show that they appreciate that today isn’t easy for me I would be so grateful. It won’t happen though. In their minds it was a lifetime ago and I must be over it by now!
(iv) Ashamed that today should be such a happy day when I should be celebrating someone else’s joy and yet I’m jealous and bitter and thinking of myself. I wish I was a better person. I will put on a happy face and smile, coo and congratulate with everyone else but I will know it is false and that deep down I’m thinking of only myself and feeling sad.
Roll on home time and the weekend. I’m sure all will look rosier on Monday when all of the baby banners have been taken down!