It should have been me

I’m awash with conflicting emotions today. A girl in my team at work has her last day before she starts her maternity leave today. The team have decorated her desk with baby banners and other paraphernalia and she will be having a presentation of baby related gifts and a celebratory lunch whilst people cluck and coo and pat her belly and tell her how pleased they are for her to be having another baby so soon (she already has a 3 year old).

And I feel:
(I) Sad as my baby was due at almost exactly the same time. She had her 12 week scan a couple of days before I had mine and discovered my baby had died and I was told of her pregnancy the day I returned to work after my ERPC. I try not to dwell on it but today’s events have brought it all back to the front of my mind. It should have been me too. I should also be going on maternity leave today soon to have my little bundle of joy.

(ii) Jealous. It’s an ugly emotion and I wish I didn’t feel it but I do. I want to be nothing but happy for her. I like her a lot and would never wish anything bad on her but my happiness for her is tinged with sadness for myself and that makes me jealous. She already has a baby and now number two is almost here. I would be happy with just one so that we could be a proper family. I remember chatting at the Christmas party about how we could get pregnant together and hang out on our maternity leave (we were both TTC at the same time). It was so close to happening until my stupid body screwed it up!

(iii) Frustrated that no one will appreciate or even consider how hard today will be for me. I don’t want to be all me, me, me, but if just one person in the office would do something to show that they appreciate that today isn’t easy for me I would be so grateful. It won’t happen though. In their minds it was a lifetime ago and I must be over it by now!

(iv) Ashamed that today should be such a happy day when I should be celebrating someone else’s joy and yet I’m jealous and bitter and thinking of myself. I wish I was a better person. I will put on a happy face and smile, coo and congratulate with everyone else but I will know it is false and that deep down I’m thinking of only myself and feeling sad.

Roll on home time and the weekend. I’m sure all will look rosier on Monday when all of the baby banners have been taken down!

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5 thoughts on “It should have been me

  1. You are so brave. I would have called in sick all week! I can completely relate to all your emotions and am recognising slowly, rationally, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We have been through a lot, today would be a tough day for anyone in our position. Thinking of you xx

  2. I’m not in your office, but I am thinking of you today! It is so hard. I know. I was due June 28, and all of the ‘Hurricane Sandy’ conceptions were all being born in July…it was really hard to deal. I can totally relate to ‘that should have been me.’ But we press on. Yes, things will look better on Monday. You aren’t a horrible person for feeling like you do. It is just how it goes. But I believe our day will come!!! Do something special for yourself this weekend. It’s a hard thing to deal with…you deserve that!!! Sending prayers your way.

  3. Yes, it should have been you. And I also would have called in sick all week. I’m tired of feeling guilty for being jealous – let’s all just embrace it. You’re having normal, completely expected feelings. Frankly, it would be a tad odd if you weren’t feeling the way you are now.

    Just take a deep breath to get you to Saturday and know that it’s not true that no one will know how hard today is on you. We all know how hard it is, and we’re all thinking of you.

  4. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
    I, too appreciate how hard this day must be for you.
    I have a coworker who shares what should’ve been my due date had I not miscarried at 17 weeks. I work in a school, so have been free of her for the summer, but soon enough I’ll be back to be greeted by her glowing skin and round belly, and watch as she toughs out her last few weeks before maternity leave. I know that day is going to sting.
    Yesterday, a friend said to me, maybe you just need to talk to her. I said, about what? Tell her, hey, you make me uncomfortable by being pregnant, quit it? My friend said, well you could try to be happy for her.
    Ouch.
    It’s not that I don’t want her to have a baby, it’s just that knowing that one in four women will miscarry, and I’m the one that did and she’s the one that didn’t is a painful thing to be reminded of daily.
    My coworkers knew I was pregnant and they know I’ve lost the baby. But even still, I don’t expect a lot of support or concern on that day, people won’t understand. And the day the announcement is made that she’s had the baby, during a time when I will already be sensitive, thinking about my baby that should be born now, I will probably fall apart. And sadly, I expect no acknowledgement for that.
    Again, I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Just wanted to let you know, I really do understand where you’re at, and I one hundred percent appreciate the pain that you are in.
    Hoping strength and healing finds you, and know that I, as well as many others, are thinking about you now.

  5. I have just been catching up on your blog and I have many of the same feelings you do. This post really struck a chord with me, as I am preparing to go to my oldest, dearest friend’s baby shower tomorrow — we were pregnant together. I lost my baby at 12 weeks, and her pregnancy is still going well (she was 4 weeks ahead of me). Last night I had to walk down the baby aisle at Target and buy her a shower gift, then down the card aisle looking at all the sweet baby cards that said congratulations you must be so happy. And tomorrow, I will pull myself together as best I can, put a smile on my face, and go to her shower. We haven’t seen each other in person since my miscarriage (we are a 2 hour drive away so we don’t see each other all the time anyway) and this will be the first time I see her belly. Our whole circle of girlfriends will be there (we’ve been friends for years). They all know what happened, but I don’t expect them to say anything to comfort me tomorrow. I feel guilty for expecting them too, as well, but I can’t help it. If just one person pulled me aside and whispered a couple comforting words it would mean the world to me, but I know they won’t. As far as life goes, this day is about her, not me. I’m going to try to remind myself often tomorrow that they aren’t going to, so it will be easier to get through. I love my friend, I just wish this hadn’t happened. She can’t help that her pregnancy is going so well, and we can’t change the fact that I miscarried…nor can she change the fact that seeing her tomorrow is going to be the hardest thing I’ve had to do in months.

    I hope you are doing okay after yesterday. Know that you are NOT alone, and what you feel is completely validated. (On that note, I need to listen to my own words sometimes!) You will be in my prayers!!

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