I was reading a blog post the other day (I’m very sorry that I can’t remember who’s it was but I really connected with it) and the writer said that sometimes when there is nothing else to be done all you can do is just show up. Put one foot in front of the other and get on with the day to day until you find new inspiration or until something changes. That is what I’m currently doing.
For various reasons we have decided to sit out this cycle and without the focus of trying to conceive, I feel a bit lost. For this month at least there is nothing to be done (I know that I could use this month to focus on my health, mind, wellbeing in a bid to become the ultimate baby host but I’m not very good at that kind of stuff). It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m not regretting our decision to wait this month out, I’m just surprised how much making a baby had taken over my day to day life. Without that I’m a bit unfocused. Freer and a bit lighter in my mood but less focused (a little lost). Not good and not bad. I wouldn’t say my mood was middling, content, neutral. I would say it is nothing. I really feel neither happy or sad just nothing.
I find myself wondering if this is how I would feel if we found ourselves years down the line (I don’t know how many) without a baby and faced with the prospect of stopping our quest to become parents, at least to our biological child. Would I be distraught with sadness, would I be relieved it was over (even if we didn’t get the outcome we wanted) or would I just feel nothing?
Thankfully we have some way to go before we are in that position. After this month I’m sure I will have a renewed determination and will be more focused than ever. Until then I will continue to drift through the days, one foot in front of the other, just showing up.