Time is a funny thing. All at once it can fly by and yet go so so slowly. Im now two days away from my first due date [on a separate note I really hate that I have more than one intended due date. How do you refer to it/them? It feels so awkward. “The day my first baby would have been born”?? I don’t know what’s the right way to describe it without sounding either too dramatic or too nonchalant]. Anyway, 2 days from due date one. Almost 6 months since miscarriage one. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like yesterday. Some days I have come such a long way and others I am still completely raw with emotion.
I was out with a friend on Sunday and her new baby (seven weeks and one day) and I was remembering what a dark place she was in this time last year. After a number of stalled IVF cycles she was feeling horribly down. Her emotions were all over the place and she spent a lot of time alone just trying to get through the weeks. Then in November last year they finally had a successful egg retrieval. The egg was fertilised (no small feat) and the embryo successfully implanted. I remember December last year and how she was so apprehensive about whether the pregnancy would progress properly that she hardly even noticed Christmas (and she is a Christmas obsessive like me). This year is going to be so different for them. After years of trying and waiting and heartache, their baby is finally here and he was definitely worth the wait. He is fantastic, she is a wonderful mummy and their Christmas this year is going to be like something out of a Disney film.
I’m constantly putting timescales on things (this is probably something to do with me being a planner). After miscarriage one I wanted to be pregnant again by my intended due date. I did achieve this but suffered a second miscarriage. Now I’d really like to be pregnant again by Christmas (well actually by the end of October but I’m trying to be more realistic). I really don’t want to start 2014 being no further along than when we left 2012 (or even behind where we were as i was pregnant (unknowingly) on 31st Dec 2012). But spending time with my friend and her baby and remembering this time last year has made me realise that however slowly life feels like its going and however much TTC can make weeks feel like they’re dragging. When I finally have a successful pregnancy (and I really hope that I do), all of this will feel like the 5 minute prelude, the opening title sequence, a tiny clip in a much bigger film. I would just really like it if time would hurry up a bit so I can get past the opening credits to the main feature!