Is it healthy to be hopeful?

I’m afraid this post might be a bit rambling. Inspired by Recurrently Lost I’m exploring thoughts which I’ve been having for a while but I don’t think I’ve reached a coherent conclusion yet.

Today is my first “should have been” due date. So far I’m not feeling too emotional but I’ll see how the day goes. Around the time of our first miscarriage the boy and I agreed that we would be able to cope with today provided we were pregnant again by the time today came around. I remember when we were saying this that I was confident that we would definitely be pregnant by now. I wasn’t just hopeful, I was confident. Pretty certain of my ability to get pregnant again and encouraged by statistics which said that one miscarriage was exceeding common and was rarely followed by subsequent losses.

Well we did manage to get pregnant again pretty quickly only to have a second missed miscarriage which was discovered at 9 weeks. This I was not prepared for. Although I was a worrier during my second pregnancy, I refused to calculate my due date (not wanting another “it should have been today” day) and saying a little “please no bleeding” prayer each time I used the bathroom, I didn’t actually think it would happen a second time. But despite all of the well intentioned (but utterly annoying) platitudes I’ve received about “just staying relaxed” and “it will happen if you stop trying”, it seems that my mental state has no bearing on my ability to carry to term.

At the end of her post today, Recurrently Lost said that she didn’t feel as if she’d ever be in “the mommies” group. My first thought when I read that was, I feel like that. But when I thought about it more, I realised that I’m just trying to fool myself. When I say to my husband that I don’t think attempt number three will be successful, I’m not being entirely truthful. I think I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t believe it will work because it will be less of a shock/less painful if I’m mentally prepared for a third loss. The problem is I know I’m not, I know that deep down I think that number three will stick, I’m obviously completely aware that it might not and I know I’ll still be a nervous wreck if we get pregnant again but I can’t get myself into a mindset where I accept that we could fail in our quest to be parents. Every time I think about it, I’m frustrated that we’re having to go through this process to get our baby but I never doubt that we will. It’s not even hope, it’s actually delusion! I’ve completely blocked out the possibility that I might never carry a baby to term. It’s always “when we have a baby” not “if”. Occasionally I correct myself or correct the boy if he’s talking about it. “We’ve got to be realistic, it’s not when, it’s if” and I feel pleased with myself for maintaining a healthy attitude but there’s an annoying voice in my head which says “yeah, yeah “if”, very good for not getting ahead of yourself, but you know secretly its a “when””. I can’t even use reverse psychology on myself to convince myself that I’m prepared for a failure.

I know this isn’t healthy. It’s good to have hope and to not feel like I’m falling into a pit of despair but if I can’t even contemplate to possibility that I’ll never carry a baby to term, how will I ever cope if that becomes a reality? And as I write this that annoying voice in my head said “it doesn’t matter, you won’t have to cope as that won’t be your reality!” Aghh *contemplates how to silence inner voice* All suggestions welcomed!

6 thoughts on “Is it healthy to be hopeful?

  1. I’m there with you hon, the never knowing is agonising. Mentally I think I’ve given up, can’t bear the disappointment. Physically I’m still steering this ship. I guess that means on some level I haven’t given up completely yet. Cruel tricks these brains of ours play…hopefully the limbo won’t last much longer for us xx

  2. Now you’ve got me thinking too! It’s definitely not as simple as I beleive or I don’t beleive, I’m definitely playing some games with myself as well. I need to think about this some more and I’ll probably have to write another post when I figure something out :).

    I’m so sorry about your ‘should have been’ date. I hope your getting through it okay.

  3. I’ve been thinking about this a lot too – mine would be in about two months, and I definitely know I won’t be pregnant again by then. When the actual day comes, I’m not sure if I’ll be a mess or be fine, which then makes me wonder if I’m some sort of monster. But I completely understand the rationale that you could only get through the day if you were pregnant again – I had the exact same feeling.

    Stay strong today, I’ll be thinking of you.

  4. Pingback: What do I really beleive? | Recurrently Lost

  5. Pingback: Day 2 of Knowing | Preparing for a B-Squirt

  6. I know my first due date, and still do “celebrate” that in a way… even four years later. But the second miscarriage, I don’t know what the due date would have been, and I don’t think about it nearly as much… somehow I can understand what you’re saying and why you didn’t want to know the due date the second time. I get it, I do!

    The due date for our first baby, who we never got to meet, is a day I won’t be able to forget. I deliberately chose to make the due date the one I would remember the baby by, not the date I found out the heart stopped beating, and not the day of the D&C… I wanted a “happy” day, I guess, and for me, the date that embodies the hopes and dreams we had for that child, that was the day to celebrate.

    I hope you were able to do something for yourself that day, so you had something to look back on and remember fondly… these days matter, even if they only matter to us.

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