No longer just a Friday

Today is Friday. My sister’s birthday. The first day of my three day weekend. But today is not just those things. Today is also cycle day 3. And I hate that I know that.

When we first started trying to conceive I always thought I’d fall pretty quickly. One thing I was always confident about was that I was a going to have a family. I’m not particularly pretty and I certainly don’t have a model body but I’ve always thought I look like a mum. I’m relatively tall, the ideal weight for my height according to the BMI charts and I have wide child bearing hips and a large rib cage. There’s plenty of room to grow a baby! On top of that I’ve always been regular, clockwork regular. I could tell you went AF was going to arrive, almost to the hour! All of this had me convinced that I would get knocked up on the first attempt. In fact when I was younger I was worried about getting near a boyfriend after they had ejaculated for fear that their sperm would somehow leap into my body and get me pregnant! All that seems so ridiculous now. I know it’s important to teach the importance of safe sex but bring made to believe that pregnancy happened so easily has definitely made my struggle to conceive (and maintain) a pregnancy harder to deal with.

Before my first pregnancy we didn’t time our intercourse and I barely had an understanding of how a fertility cycle worked. Now I can’t keep it out of my head. Even though I don’t want to think about it, I am aware everyday of where I am in my cycle. I know how many days it is until AF will finish. When my fertile window will start. When I expect to ovulate. I am way more conscious of my cervical mucus than I would ever want to be and after I ovulate one of my first thoughts each morning will be how many days there are left of the two week wait and how many days until I could take a pregnancy test and get a fairly accurate result.

I would say I long for the day when I can say that it’s ‘just Friday’ but that would be a lie. At the moment what I long for the most is to be counting days for a different reason. I want to be able to say ‘I’m 12 weeks 4 days’ (for example) and for my baby to be progressing well.

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2 thoughts on “No longer just a Friday

  1. I hear you hun, I wish I didn’t know exactly where in my cycle I am but it has taken over my life. And comments from friends about just relaxing and not thinking so much about it just makes me feel like complete crap. Some of us actually need to chart and pay attention. It’s not that easy for everyone! Yet another thing to divide us from the fertiles. Sigh xx

    • Ha yes the good old “just relax” I got that comment only yesterday from someone who get pregnant on her first attempt. I did try to explain that it was easier said than done and that if relaxing were all that were needed then surely everyone would get pregnant on their first attempt but it seemed lost on her so I just bit my tongue!

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