Today is Friday. My sister’s birthday. The first day of my three day weekend. But today is not just those things. Today is also cycle day 3. And I hate that I know that.
When we first started trying to conceive I always thought I’d fall pretty quickly. One thing I was always confident about was that I was a going to have a family. I’m not particularly pretty and I certainly don’t have a model body but I’ve always thought I look like a mum. I’m relatively tall, the ideal weight for my height according to the BMI charts and I have wide child bearing hips and a large rib cage. There’s plenty of room to grow a baby! On top of that I’ve always been regular, clockwork regular. I could tell you went AF was going to arrive, almost to the hour! All of this had me convinced that I would get knocked up on the first attempt. In fact when I was younger I was worried about getting near a boyfriend after they had ejaculated for fear that their sperm would somehow leap into my body and get me pregnant! All that seems so ridiculous now. I know it’s important to teach the importance of safe sex but bring made to believe that pregnancy happened so easily has definitely made my struggle to conceive (and maintain) a pregnancy harder to deal with.
Before my first pregnancy we didn’t time our intercourse and I barely had an understanding of how a fertility cycle worked. Now I can’t keep it out of my head. Even though I don’t want to think about it, I am aware everyday of where I am in my cycle. I know how many days it is until AF will finish. When my fertile window will start. When I expect to ovulate. I am way more conscious of my cervical mucus than I would ever want to be and after I ovulate one of my first thoughts each morning will be how many days there are left of the two week wait and how many days until I could take a pregnancy test and get a fairly accurate result.
I would say I long for the day when I can say that it’s ‘just Friday’ but that would be a lie. At the moment what I long for the most is to be counting days for a different reason. I want to be able to say ‘I’m 12 weeks 4 days’ (for example) and for my baby to be progressing well.