Agggh, I am so bored I could scream. We’ve only been back from holiday for a week and already it feels like endless weeks of nothingness are stretching out before me. I am completely stuck in a funk. I want to do something in order to feel less bored and yet there is nothing I actually want to do, hence why I am still sitting in bed at 10.30am complaining about being bored, despite having been awake since 6.30am.
I complain about work taking up so much of my life and yet as soon as it gets to the weekend I find myself hoping that the time goes quickly so that it is Monday again as the days go much quicker during the working week. I feel as though I can make plans to catch up with friends, go to the cinema or out for dinner with the boy. Even just go out for a run. But ultimately what’s the point? If I meet up with friends or go out with the boy we’ll either have food or alcohol which will invariable involve spending money that we don’t need to spend and consuming unnecessary calories which I will then chastise myself for later. Even going out for a run seems pointless. Twice already this year I have signed up for a running event only to have to cancel due to pregnancy or recent miscarriage. Getting back into running after a break is hard and as I hope I’ll be getting pregnant again, and as a result taking another break, what is the point starting again?? Essentially everything seems pointless as ultimately there is only one thing I want, a successful pregnancy, and I even when I’m doing something else that I enjoy (such as going out for dinner with a friend), the moment that is over (and probably during if there is a break in conversation for more than a few seconds) I’m back to thinking about babies and pregnancy and loss. I’m stuck and I have no idea how to get out of this black hole of boredom.
I watched a film yesterday (Stuck in Love) and the lead character said something that really resonated with me:
“I never enjoy anything. I’m always waiting for whatever’s next. I think everyone’s like that. Living life in fast forward. Never stopping to enjoy the moment. Too busy trying to rush through everything so we can get on with what we are really supposed to be doing with our lives. I get these flashes of brilliant clarity where for a second I stop and I think “Wait, this is it, this is my life. I better slow down and enjoy it because one day we’re all going to end up in the ground and that’ll be it, we’ll be gone”
This is exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, but I don’t know what to do to change it. It’s sad to think about it but its true that at the moment I feel like I never really enjoy anything, not really. I have times where I feel happy(ish), I definitely don’t spend my days in floods of tears or feeling as if I want to end it all. Just generally I feel pretty ‘meh’, just dull. Not happy or sad but a little anxious and most of all bored!
I am bored of the waiting. Bored, bored, bored. When I’m not at work and busy I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like we are stuck in limbo. Two miscarriages down means that we aren’t eligible for any tests to find out if there is a cause. And only three months since my last D&C means that we are at least three months away from being able to get any help with conceiving for a third time. In fact it is probably more like 9 months away as in the UK we are generally required to try to conceive for at least a year before any tests will be done.
I was really hoping that writing this post would help my rationalise my thoughts and come to a conclusion or at least an approach for dealing with the rest of the day but I’m none the wiser. Instead I feel like I have just had a massive rant that no one is going to want to read as it will add nothing of value to their lives at all, not even a giggle as I’m all out of humour today. At least its getting closer to midday. By the time I’ve finished this and walked the dogs it will almost be time for the boy to get back from work and for me to cook lunch. If I can find something to entertain me for the afternoon it will then be Monday and I’ve a busy week at work so the days should trot by pretty fast and I’ll be one week further along. Further along what I have no idea but at least I won’t be in this moment where all I want to do is stamp my feet like a petulant child shouting “I’m soooo bored!”