We’re back on the baby making train again. After feeling convinced that the stars had all aligned to enable us to conceive a romantic holiday baby, it was a crushing blow for both me and the boy when we got a BFN. He’s usually very philosophical about these things but last week he seemed really gutted that we hadn’t been successful. We definitely had a few days of feeling sorry for ourselves. Anyway, AF came and went and we rallied and are ready to try again this month.
This constant cycle of determination and confidence, followed by disappointment and self doubt, is really hard to cope with. It’s like being on an emotional roller coaster and I for one am finding it is having a negative impact on my libido. I’ve never been particularly rampant, generally feeling satisfied if we’ve made love a couple of times a week and that is when things are going well. If I’m tired, stressed or emotional it’s basically game over for my sex drive. Which is difficult when all I’ve felt for ages is a mixture of tired, stressed and emotional.
I want to enjoy sex with my husband and for it to be initiated by one (or both) of us feeling horny. Instead, I look at my Fertility Friend at the start of my cycle, calculate my likely fertile days and give the boy a list of the likely days on which he’s going to get lucky (I don’t think he feels that lucky!). And he performs, every time. He is fantastic, making me feel sexy and loved and not like its planned or mechanical. And I am terrible. I get negative at the mere thought of having sex when I’m not in the mood and rather than keeping it to myself, I tell him how I’m feeling! The poor, poor boy. I don’t know how he manages it. I know that I’ve got to change and start being more passionate about our love making, even if its fake, as I can’t expect him to keep having sex with the grumpy old woman who doesn’t even bother to pretend to be interested. I’m determined that this month I’m going to banish the negative thoughts (or at least keep them to myself) and I’m going to make my husband feel more important. I love him more than ever and I’m in total awe of him and what he has to do for us to make a baby. If having a child was dependent on me having an orgasm when I’m not in the mood for sex, we’d have our names down on an adoption register already!!