I’m really hoping I’m freaking out for no reason but I feel like I’m living a nightmare. Up until yesterday evening my boobs have been really sore and swollen but this morning they’re completely normal. Totally deflated and not even slightly tender. I’ve also noticed that my previously continuous CM has started to dry up. I hope I’m just being a fatalist but I feel like I ‘just know’. To make things better I have the busiest day at work with loads of things that have to be done by the end of the day so I have no time to deal with this but I’m going to phone the early pregnancy unit when it opens and see if I can get a scan as I don’t want to feel like I’m waiting for the bleeding to begin.
Two hours later I’ve been up and about walking the dogs and what happened, the aching boobs are back again. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster and the more I try to be sensible and not freak out the more things happen to get my mind racing with ‘what ifs’. One good thing though. I have found a local clinic that will do private reassurance scans and I am booked in for next Wednesday eve at which point I should be 7 weeks and if all is well I should be able to see a strong heartbeat and avoid getting an ‘inconclusive’ result. Strangely just having a date to aim for is making me feel better. Hopefully the next five days with be uneventful with nice painful boobs and plentiful CM. What more could a girl want! 🙂
I know they say that when you’re trying for a baby it seems like the whole world is having a baby but in my case I think it might actually be true. We’re off to see another friend’s newborn at the weekend which led me to calculate that in the 16 months since we started trying for a baby 16 friends have had babies (17 babies counting the twins). One baby (plus one) for every month we’ve been trying. And another is due at the start of December. I’ve smiled and congratulated at 16 and I’ve honestly meant it in every case and if there were another 7 in the next 7 months I’d be happy for them too. I just really want 8 months from now to be our month for welcoming a baby to the world.
It seems that I needn’t have been nervous about my midwife appointment as she was lovely. The appointment was a bit of a bust. Apparently I’d been booked in for the wrong appointment. I only had a routine appointment (10 minutes) rather than a first booking appointment (25 minutes). I guess that the person taking the booking looked at my notes and saw that I’d had midwife appointments before (with previous pregnancies) so assumed that it was just a follow up. This meant that I didn’t have any bloods taken or a urine check. I simply filled in a form and confirmed that I knew what I can and can’t eat. I mentioned that I was hoping for an early scan and she said that she would try to arrange one but as I don’t want one for another three weeks I’ll have to wait a bit for it to be confirmed. So I’m going back to see the midwife again in two weeks (if I get that far) and I should hopefully be able to get a scan booked at that appointment. For now it’s just more waiting and hoping.
I’m off to see the midwife this afternoon for my first appointment this pregnancy and strangely I’m feeling a bit nervous. I know this is very silly as nothing of any particular note is going to happen. She will take my details, probably ask me to wee in a pot and give me a huge pile of leaflets to do with baby things which I will promptly hide in a bottom drawer (along with the others which I have collected from previous pregnancies). But despite knowing this I’ve still got that slightly apprehensive feeling in my tummy. A bit like a child who is being sent to the headmaster’s office.
I think it’s because I haven’t told anyone about this pregnancy other than you lovely people and the boy. Today will be the first time I say out loud to a stranger (or even a friend) that I’m pregnant. I really want to feel some empathy from the midwife. I don’t want to feel as if I being treated like every other pregnant lady and that I should just put up and shut up. I know that everyone feels apprehensive during the first trimester but I want her to acknowledge that my history means that my feelings aren’t just like everyone else’s and I have a tight to be a bit scared. I’m going to ask her if i can have an early scan and I really want her answer to be “of course”. I don’t want to have to fight my corner and justify why I feel it’s necessary. I’m generally a bit too passive and I hate confrontation (even small disagreements) so I know that faced with a “no” I’m likely to say “oh ok then” only to feel annoyed about and take my frustration out on the boy later.
I’m preparing myself to have to make a bit of a fuss to get an early scan as i really don’t want to leave without a yes (and I hate making a fuss) but I really hope I won’t need to and that the midwife will be lovely and sympathetic and will appreciate that I have a right to be more nervous that most even though I’m trying to put on a brave face and pretend that I’m not completely bricking it!
It appears that being pregnant is ruining my ability to write a cohesive blog post. This is my third attempt at an opening paragraph and it’s still pants. Oh well, it’s the best I’ve got currently.
I’ve known about this pregnancy for 15 days and if I am able to get to 12 weeks this time that will be in another 46 days. That doesn’t sound too long but the last 15 have felt like an age.
Thankfully work is quite busy at the moment so I’m able to get through the day without too many pregnancy related thoughts but there are still moments throughout the day when the negative voice in my head starts taunting me. There are generally two things which set off the voice: (i) thinking about Christmas, and (ii) going for a wee.
I LOVE Christmas. It is by far my favourite holiday of the year and there are lots of Christmas reminders about (TV adverts, music on the radio, decorations in the shops and parties being planned in the office). This would usually have me giddy with excitement but currently thoughts of Christmas have the voice in my head saying “don’t get excited, this pregnancy could be over my then and you’ll be in the middle of post miscarriage mourning”.
The other thing which gets my negative head voice going is my frequent trips to the bathroom. Both of my previous miscarriages have have been discovered with spotting on an afternoon toilet break (both on a Sunday afternoon strangely). Because of this every trip to the bathroom has my heart racing, me saying a little “please no bleeding” prayer and my mind playing out the horrible next minutes and days that would follow if I did see blood on the tissue. Given how many times I need to wee, this makes for a bit of a daily emotional roller coaster.
I’ve got my first midwife appointment on Monday during which I’m going to try to convince her to let me have an early scan before Christmas as my last pregnancy ended at around 6 weeks but was a MMC and wasn’t discovered until about 9 weeks which would be right over the Christmas holiday when we are intending to be staying with family. Fingers crossed she’ll agree to my request. However even booking the appointment had my superstitions going mad. First I was convinced that I would curse the pregnancy by booking the appointment and even today I can’t bring myself to finalise my afternoon out of the office for the appointment as the voice in my head keeps saying that if i make any pregnancy related plans the universe will punish me.
I’m trying to quiet the negative voice and just take this pregnancy one step at a time. If only non alcoholic wine had the anaesthetic quality of normal wine. I’m sure by the bottom of the bottle the negative voice would have been silenced, if only for a few hours!
Apologies for the lack of posts over the last week. I’ve suddenly found myself not knowing what to say. I had plenty to say about trying to get pregnant but now that I am I’ve suddenly become strangely superstitious and don’t want to say anything which could tempt fate or ‘curse’ this pregnancy.
I’ve never been a superstitious person. I’ve walked under ladders, stepped on cracks and stroked black cats that have crossed my path. But now that I so desperately want to control this pregnancy to ensure that it doesn’t fail, I’m prepared to embrace superstition in a bid to feel like it is somehow within my power to make this one successful. As part of this ‘plan’ I’ve decided that I’m not going to tell people about my pregnancy this time (at least not until I have got past the point when the last two failed). Although the boy has told me I’m being ridiculous, I can’t help but feel that my open confidence the last two times somehow cursed my pregnancies. Particularly the last one as I told two sets of close friends I was pregnant on the Friday and Saturday and then started bleeding on the Sunday. I know that rationally this is stupid as it was a missed miscarriage so the baby had actually died long before I told about the pregnancy but I still feel that if I say it out loud I’ll be inviting the universe to take it away. Maybe if I don’t say anything I will go unnoticed and will be able to get through to the 12 week milestone without issue.
In addition to my new found superstition, I’m also becoming a little paranoid about stress. Thankfully work doesn’t feel too overwhelming at the moment but there are still moments when I can feel my anxiety rising and I have to stop myself and try to bring in some calm. Things at home haven’t been helping this week. The boy has an awful cold with a cough that would annoy Mother Teresa, I’m only just slowly rebuilding bridges with my best friend who I argued with two weeks ago and my male dog has suddenly turned into a sheep following me around and will whine and cry if he’s not near me or the boy, which is more than a little wearing!
More than once this week I’ve found myself getting frustrated and then my mind goes “what are you doing? stress could harm the baby”. Which is obviously a helpful thought. “You’re feeling stressed, have an even more stressful thought to go with it!” (Thanks brain!). I actually caught myself doing deep yoga style breathing whilst trying to recite jokes in my head to bring on the happy hormones. Yes I am actually that insane! I’m hoping that when they say that stress can cause miscarriage they actually mean massive life changing event stress (death of a loved one, house fire etc) and that my pregnancy is unaffected by my minor (the dog’s thrown up on the rug) type stress.
I do wish there was some way I could get some reassurance that this pregnancy is going ok but as I’ve only had two miscarriages I don’t qualify for hCG tests or early scans (although if I can get to 8 weeks I think I’m going to insist on one as I don’t want to be worrying over Christmas). Until then I’m going to be keeping quiet about this pregnancy (outside of this blog) and telling silly jokes in my head to keep some happy hormones flowing!
I was trying to explain to the boy how I was feeling yesterday – no simple task trying to explain to a man how the female (hormonal) brain operates. Initially he was quite confused. He’s seen the sadness that arrives each month with the arrival of AF and I think he was expecting that I’d been jumping for joy at the BFP, but I’m not.
Don’t get me wrong I am really, really pleased that we managed to conceive this month, it’s just that a BFP brings with it many more conflicting feelings that I didn’t have to think about with the arrival of AF. When AF arrives and I realise that our hope of conceiving that month is gone, I feel sad and annoyed and generally quite anxious wondering if there is a problem but as the days pass that is replaced with renewed optimism and determination for the next month. We have a task, we know what to do and it’s full stream ahead with TTC.
Now we have our BFP, there is nothing else I can do. It’s all outside of my control. It’s down to my body, our tiny embryo and Mother Nature/God’s Will/ Fate. Every twinge has me worrying that its over before its really begun, every wave of nausea, headache etc makes me pleased that I might be getting some early pregnancy symptoms. Yet all of this is really me trying to find some control in something which is entirely out of my hands.
I think the boy really understood what I was trying to say when I told him that I feel like now we’re pregnant there are only two ways out. One of them is fantastic and what we’ve been dreaming of and trying for for the last 18 months. The other is awful. Terrible crushing sadness, an emotional experience that I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with and the realisation that there really is something wrong. Not just two cases of ‘bad luck’ but the medical definition of recurrent pregnancy loss.
All the months of trying to conceive, I never thought further than the BFP. Now we’re there it’s like we’ve entered a new room and there are only two ways out. I really hope that we get to use the shining, happy door!