Hoping positive, not feeling positive.

We’re half way through the two week wait. My first month of using OPKs seemed to go well. I had a green for go on CD11 and we’d already had sex a few days leading up to the day and then the three days after so we’ve done everything that we can. It’s been nice to not have to have sex every few days for the whole month as we can be pretty sure that I ovulated mid-cycle rather than worrying the I might have a random cycle and ovulate really late or early.

I’m obviously hoping for a BFP but after last month’s disappointment I’m not getting excited. Self preservation is called for this month. As I’ve previously mentioned, I have no ability to tell whether I’m pregnant prior to testing. My pregnancy symptoms are really similar to the signs that AF is imminent so I’ve given up trying to tell.

I’ve been having a bit of a difficult time this month. I can’t seem to get my head into a good place. I’m just feeling negative all the time. I’ve been getting grumpy with the boy for no reason and last week I had an argument with my best friend (we never argue). I feel like I’ve been trying to put on a brave face for everyone for ages. After my last miscarriage I went back to work the same day and I’ve been happy and jolly and “everything’s good with us” to everyone I see. But last week it all got too much.

Whilst useful from a medical perspective, my best friend is a doctor and spent 6 months working as an ob/gyn so she’s seen people in my situation too many times. She isn’t the emotional type and has a very pragmatic approach to everything. Which means she’s useful in a crisis but not great when you need a sympathetic ear. I’ve heard many stories from her about the hysterical women who they’ve had in the miscarriage clinic and she’s always congratulated me on not being like that which means I now feel like I can’t share with her the true depths of my sadness about my miscarriages and the emotional drain of trying to conceive again. This all came to a head last week when we were talking about her upcoming move to the other end of the country. I haven’t dealt with my feelings about it at all as I’m already feeling overwhelmed with other things so I’ve just bottled it up. Unfortunately the cork well and truly come out of that bottle and we ended up having an argument resulting in my crying in a crowded restaurant (opps!). We haven’t actually spoken since. I have no doubt we will soon but I just feel like a need to retreat from everyone for a bit. I’m finding this cycle hard and just need some me time so I can be honest about my feelings and not feel like I have to constantly be upbeat about everything. I don’t want to wallow, I just want to be still for a bit. So this week is a me week. I’m not going to contact anyone, see anyone (outside of work) or go out socially. Already I feel more positive about the week and its only Tuesday. I might become a recluse but at least I’ll be an emotionally stable recluse – and I won’t end up crying in a restaurant!

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6 thoughts on “Hoping positive, not feeling positive.

  1. Oh man this is hard. My sister is in the medical profession too and they do seem so unsympathetic most of the time. I’m so sorry you got in a fight.. One more thing on your plate 😦 I’m hoping they this will be your month, but sometimes it helps to protect yourself too. Thinking about you.

  2. I’m sorry 😦 dang it! My best friend is a pharmacist and always gives me a hard time for taking the hormones I’ve been prescribed. She doesn’t get that I’ll do anything to never go through this again. I’m hoping for good news for you this cycle. And crying in a restaurant comes with this crappy territory. I’m sure we’ve all been there.

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