I was trying to explain to the boy how I was feeling yesterday – no simple task trying to explain to a man how the female (hormonal) brain operates. Initially he was quite confused. He’s seen the sadness that arrives each month with the arrival of AF and I think he was expecting that I’d been jumping for joy at the BFP, but I’m not.
Don’t get me wrong I am really, really pleased that we managed to conceive this month, it’s just that a BFP brings with it many more conflicting feelings that I didn’t have to think about with the arrival of AF. When AF arrives and I realise that our hope of conceiving that month is gone, I feel sad and annoyed and generally quite anxious wondering if there is a problem but as the days pass that is replaced with renewed optimism and determination for the next month. We have a task, we know what to do and it’s full stream ahead with TTC.
Now we have our BFP, there is nothing else I can do. It’s all outside of my control. It’s down to my body, our tiny embryo and Mother Nature/God’s Will/ Fate. Every twinge has me worrying that its over before its really begun, every wave of nausea, headache etc makes me pleased that I might be getting some early pregnancy symptoms. Yet all of this is really me trying to find some control in something which is entirely out of my hands.
I think the boy really understood what I was trying to say when I told him that I feel like now we’re pregnant there are only two ways out. One of them is fantastic and what we’ve been dreaming of and trying for for the last 18 months. The other is awful. Terrible crushing sadness, an emotional experience that I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with and the realisation that there really is something wrong. Not just two cases of ‘bad luck’ but the medical definition of recurrent pregnancy loss.
All the months of trying to conceive, I never thought further than the BFP. Now we’re there it’s like we’ve entered a new room and there are only two ways out. I really hope that we get to use the shining, happy door!