Apologies for the lack of posts over the last week. I’ve suddenly found myself not knowing what to say. I had plenty to say about trying to get pregnant but now that I am I’ve suddenly become strangely superstitious and don’t want to say anything which could tempt fate or ‘curse’ this pregnancy.
I’ve never been a superstitious person. I’ve walked under ladders, stepped on cracks and stroked black cats that have crossed my path. But now that I so desperately want to control this pregnancy to ensure that it doesn’t fail, I’m prepared to embrace superstition in a bid to feel like it is somehow within my power to make this one successful. As part of this ‘plan’ I’ve decided that I’m not going to tell people about my pregnancy this time (at least not until I have got past the point when the last two failed). Although the boy has told me I’m being ridiculous, I can’t help but feel that my open confidence the last two times somehow cursed my pregnancies. Particularly the last one as I told two sets of close friends I was pregnant on the Friday and Saturday and then started bleeding on the Sunday. I know that rationally this is stupid as it was a missed miscarriage so the baby had actually died long before I told about the pregnancy but I still feel that if I say it out loud I’ll be inviting the universe to take it away. Maybe if I don’t say anything I will go unnoticed and will be able to get through to the 12 week milestone without issue.
In addition to my new found superstition, I’m also becoming a little paranoid about stress. Thankfully work doesn’t feel too overwhelming at the moment but there are still moments when I can feel my anxiety rising and I have to stop myself and try to bring in some calm. Things at home haven’t been helping this week. The boy has an awful cold with a cough that would annoy Mother Teresa, I’m only just slowly rebuilding bridges with my best friend who I argued with two weeks ago and my male dog has suddenly turned into a sheep following me around and will whine and cry if he’s not near me or the boy, which is more than a little wearing!
More than once this week I’ve found myself getting frustrated and then my mind goes “what are you doing? stress could harm the baby”. Which is obviously a helpful thought. “You’re feeling stressed, have an even more stressful thought to go with it!” (Thanks brain!). I actually caught myself doing deep yoga style breathing whilst trying to recite jokes in my head to bring on the happy hormones. Yes I am actually that insane! I’m hoping that when they say that stress can cause miscarriage they actually mean massive life changing event stress (death of a loved one, house fire etc) and that my pregnancy is unaffected by my minor (the dog’s thrown up on the rug) type stress.
I do wish there was some way I could get some reassurance that this pregnancy is going ok but as I’ve only had two miscarriages I don’t qualify for hCG tests or early scans (although if I can get to 8 weeks I think I’m going to insist on one as I don’t want to be worrying over Christmas). Until then I’m going to be keeping quiet about this pregnancy (outside of this blog) and telling silly jokes in my head to keep some happy hormones flowing!