It appears that being pregnant is ruining my ability to write a cohesive blog post. This is my third attempt at an opening paragraph and it’s still pants. Oh well, it’s the best I’ve got currently.
I’ve known about this pregnancy for 15 days and if I am able to get to 12 weeks this time that will be in another 46 days. That doesn’t sound too long but the last 15 have felt like an age.
Thankfully work is quite busy at the moment so I’m able to get through the day without too many pregnancy related thoughts but there are still moments throughout the day when the negative voice in my head starts taunting me. There are generally two things which set off the voice: (i) thinking about Christmas, and (ii) going for a wee.
I LOVE Christmas. It is by far my favourite holiday of the year and there are lots of Christmas reminders about (TV adverts, music on the radio, decorations in the shops and parties being planned in the office). This would usually have me giddy with excitement but currently thoughts of Christmas have the voice in my head saying “don’t get excited, this pregnancy could be over my then and you’ll be in the middle of post miscarriage mourning”.
The other thing which gets my negative head voice going is my frequent trips to the bathroom. Both of my previous miscarriages have have been discovered with spotting on an afternoon toilet break (both on a Sunday afternoon strangely). Because of this every trip to the bathroom has my heart racing, me saying a little “please no bleeding” prayer and my mind playing out the horrible next minutes and days that would follow if I did see blood on the tissue. Given how many times I need to wee, this makes for a bit of a daily emotional roller coaster.
I’ve got my first midwife appointment on Monday during which I’m going to try to convince her to let me have an early scan before Christmas as my last pregnancy ended at around 6 weeks but was a MMC and wasn’t discovered until about 9 weeks which would be right over the Christmas holiday when we are intending to be staying with family. Fingers crossed she’ll agree to my request. However even booking the appointment had my superstitions going mad. First I was convinced that I would curse the pregnancy by booking the appointment and even today I can’t bring myself to finalise my afternoon out of the office for the appointment as the voice in my head keeps saying that if i make any pregnancy related plans the universe will punish me.
I’m trying to quiet the negative voice and just take this pregnancy one step at a time. If only non alcoholic wine had the anaesthetic quality of normal wine. I’m sure by the bottom of the bottle the negative voice would have been silenced, if only for a few hours!