Like I’ve been sent to see the headmaster

I’m off to see the midwife this afternoon for my first appointment this pregnancy and strangely I’m feeling a bit nervous. I know this is very silly as nothing of any particular note is going to happen. She will take my details, probably ask me to wee in a pot and give me a huge pile of leaflets to do with baby things which I will promptly hide in a bottom drawer (along with the others which I have collected from previous pregnancies). But despite knowing this I’ve still got that slightly apprehensive feeling in my tummy. A bit like a child who is being sent to the headmaster’s office.

I think it’s because I haven’t told anyone about this pregnancy other than you lovely people and the boy. Today will be the first time I say out loud to a stranger (or even a friend) that I’m pregnant. I really want to feel some empathy from the midwife. I don’t want to feel as if I being treated like every other pregnant lady and that I should just put up and shut up. I know that everyone feels apprehensive during the first trimester but I want her to acknowledge that my history means that my feelings aren’t just like everyone else’s and I have a tight to be a bit scared. I’m going to ask her if i can have an early scan and I really want her answer to be “of course”. I don’t want to have to fight my corner and justify why I feel it’s necessary. I’m generally a bit too passive and I hate confrontation (even small disagreements) so I know that faced with a “no” I’m likely to say “oh ok then” only to feel annoyed about and take my frustration out on the boy later.

I’m preparing myself to have to make a bit of a fuss to get an early scan as i really don’t want to leave without a yes (and I hate making a fuss) but I really hope I won’t need to and that the midwife will be lovely and sympathetic and will appreciate that I have a right to be more nervous that most even though I’m trying to put on a brave face and pretend that I’m not completely bricking it!

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