Skinny jeans and laparoscopic surgery

I’m still in hospital. I’ve predominately been here since Friday lunchtime and it’s now Sunday eve. I’ve been looked after really well but I’m ready to go home now. Tomorrow is my birthday and I don’t want to start the day on a hospital ward!

I’ve had both an ERPC and laparoscopic surgery today. My beta results came back yesterday and were really high so that was pointing to either a molar pregnancy or a twin pregnancy so they wanted to investigate inside. The good news is I don’t have an eptopic pregnancy (phew). In fact the surgeon said that other than a small patch of endometriosis, which he was able to remove, I have a healthy looking pelvic area. I’m surprised at the endo as I’ve never had any symptoms at all but he said that it was only a small patch.

They’ve taken more bloods today and I need to come back again for two more tests over the next 10 days. I then have an appointment with the consultant on 8th January. They have also sent off the products from today so I am waiting for those results too.

I’m really surprised at how quickly this miscarriage has gone from being the same as the others to being a list of potentially scary things needing painful surgery. They even filmed my surgery today so that they can use it for training purposes. I’ve never felt so interesting!

So now I’m waiting for my husband to come and get me. My whole core aches which is apparently due to the internal gas caused by the laparoscopic surgery. If only it was like usual gas which could be fixed with a simple burp or fart (not that I would do that, obviously!). The boy is also bringing me some leggings as I came into hospital wearing skinny, low-rise jeans but looking at the two holes on my tummy I don’t think I’m going to want to put them back on!

The boy had a full day of birthday fun planned for tomorrow but I think we’re going to have to postpone. I feel pretty bad as he’s been so excited about what he had organised (I don’t know what it is as it’s a surprise) but I’d rather wait and do it another day so that I can completely enjoy the day. It will also be good to have something to look forward to in January!

I thought 1 in 100 was unusual

Yesterday I had another scan at my local hospital to assess the need for a D&C. I had been referred to another hospital for the medical management but after that was unsuccessful I was referred back for the D&C.

The EGA Unit was really busy due to it being closed on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I felt so sorry for the people who had obviously had their Christmas breaks ruined by threatened miscarriage that I didn’t mind waiting (although after 2 hours I was starting to get a little frustrated).

Anyway, I was eventually seen by the sonographer and she was prodding around with the internal camera and kept asking me if things hurt. It was obvious from her questioning that the correct answer was yes but I wasn’t going to lie so I told her it didn’t which resulted in her prodding even harder whilst pressing on my belly. After what seemed like an age, she showed me what she was looking at; a large(ish) ball shaped mass close(ish) to my left ovary. The sonographer said that it could be the corpus luteum but because there appeared to be a space around it, she was concerned that it might be an eptopic pregnancy.

In addition to this, she also had a better look at the remaining products of conception which hadn’t passed with the sac during the medical management. She agreed with the previous sonographer that it was definitely presenting like a molar pregnancy but was quick to point out that many presentations turn out not to be molar and the only way to be sure is to do a blood test to check my beta levels and to test the products after the D&C.

After the scan I met with a doctor, and then another, and was then referred to a consultant for a second opinion. They all seemed rather interested and asked far more questions than have been asked with my two previous miscarriages. They then went away to huddle. By this point I had been at the hospital for almost 4 hours and my husband (who I’d left at home) was beginning to wonder where I was. Upon retuning from the doctors’ huddle, I was told by the registrar that they had decided to admit me to the hospital that evening for surgery in the morning!! This was a surprise as I haven’t stayed in hospital since I was of pre-school age.

So I am writing this from my hospital bed awaiting surgery. This all feels rather surreal and a little unnecessary. I feel fine. No pain, no bleeding, just the ongoing nausea from the morning sickness and regular headaches (which I always seem to get when pregnant). But I trust that they’re doing this for a reason and I’m glad that I should soon have some answers and an end to this pregnancy.

I’m not entirely sure what surgery is being carried out today. They have said they will do a D&C and a hysteroscopy and depending on what they can see they might also do a keyhole surgery to have a look at the potential eptopic.

The sonographer yesterday told me that I was a bit of a mystery. Based on the presentations there is a possibility that this last pregnancy was a twin pregnancy from two separate eggs; one of which failed to develop and instead turned ‘bad’ becoming a molar pregnancy; and the other decided to nest in my Fallopian tube as an eptopic. However, given that the chance of a molar pregnancy is only about 1 in 700. And a twin eptopic (heteroeptopic) is about 1 in 40,000, the chances of having both is so unlikely that there will almost certainly be another explanation, hence today’s surgery.

I’ll update once I know more.

Bump – oh hello world

A lovely Christmas Day was had. We were at my parents’ for the day and we ate, drank and were merry. There was no talk of miscarriage or babies. We had a lovely lunch, received some great presents and laughed (a lot) while playing silly bored games. I actually managed to feel normal for the whole day and forgot that my week began and is going to end with more miscarriage related hospital appointments.

Boxing Day arrived and the festive feelings continued. We were back to our house and preparing lunch for the boy’s family when it happened. The message which brought us back to earth with a bump (literally). Another of our close friends is pregnant!! This means that out of all of our married friends only one other couple is childless and, as far as we are aware, they aren’t trying. I’m trying really hard to be happy for the latest announcers but the more this happens the harder it is getting. Each one is like a slap in the face. Come the summer (when our third would have been due) we will be the only couple at the annual BBQ gathering not to have children.

I feel quite sorry for the boy. Whilst I’m sure his friend didn’t mean to be insensitive, the message didn’t arrive in a thoughtful (I just wanted to let you know quietly as I thought this would be hard for you) way. It came as a group Whats App message on Boxing Day morning (Merry Christmas indeed, why not send us a card from your growing embryo?!). This means that the boy has had to endure being copied in on messages of congratulations throughout the day. This is particularly painful as we should almost be at 12 weeks now but instead we’re in the process of going through our third loss. When one friend complimented the father to be on his virility, I told the boy that he should say that once could be just a fluke and that he’d got me pregnant three times in one year but he’s far too polite for that. I just wish for his sake that he didn’t have to go though the whole macho back-slapping thing every time another pregnancy is announced. Personally I think it’s far more macho to stand by your wife through infertility and miscarriage but obviously the only back-slapping he gets for that is from me and I don’t think it counts!

So there we are. Back to earth with a bump. I’m still hoping that we’ll get some more festive feelings over the next few days but at the moment my mind is stuck on a loop of “it’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening”.

One good thing to have come out of this Christmas break is that thanks to some very generous family members the boy and I have enough money to take a spa break in the new year and I for one cannot wait for some proper me time and a bit of pampering!

Merry Christmas – that is all

I have been pondering a deep, meaningful and insightful Christmas blog post. Something which captures the spirit of Christmas, acknowledges how hard this time if year can be but is hopeful for the future and willing to embrace an element of Christmas cheer. Unfortunately words seem to have failed me and my creative juices have decided to take a break for the holidays so I’m afraid all I’ve got is to wish all you lovely people a Merry Christmas whether it be a big hurrah of an event or a quiet, contemplative day.

Lots of love and hugs, GK x

Sometimes wishful thinking doesn’t help

I had a medical management of miscarriage last week. Got the pills on Monday, passed the pregnancy sac on Tuesday and the bleeding had basically stopped by Wednesday. Quick and relatively painless. Unfortunately that wasn’t the end of this miscarriage story.

I had my follow-up scan today (cue a four hour round trip to the hospital in Christmas traffic) and there are still retained products of conception present (and not just a tiny bit). This wasn’t a huge surprise as I’ve been feeling pretty rubbish over the last few days and haven’t had the let-up in pregnancy symptoms I was expecting. However, I’m still hugely disappointed and frustrated that this still isn’t over!

Having reviewed the scans the doctor said that another medical management isn’t really an option and I should have another ERPC (which I had been trying to avoid due to a risk of scarring). In addiction to this frustrating news, the doctor today raised the possibility of this being a molar pregnancy which would explain why I’ve passed the sac but seemingly retained the placenta. Obviously this is worst case scenario and so I’m trying not to think about the implications until we know more as there is a strong possibility that it’s just a normal delayed miscarriage and failed medical management but the mention of molar pregnancy has just reminded me that even if I do try to prepare myself for a ‘negative outcome’ there are still things which can come from left field to remind me that there isn’t much point attempting mental preparation.

Thankfully the hospital have said that provided I don’t start showing signs of infection I can wait until after Christmas for the op so for now we’re just trying to focus on enjoying the festivities (in between the pregnancy tiredness and nausea)!

Step into Christmas

I’m going back to work today. If Christmas wasn’t approaching so quickly I don’t think I would be going back yet but I’m conscious that there are lots of things I need to get done before the Christmas break and, if I don’t start getting back to normal, Christmas Day will be here and I’ll still be on the sofa in my PJs in a bit of a post miscarriage fog.

Surrounding myself with festive people in the office is either going to get me feeling some Christmas spirit or make me feel even more distant from the holiday masses but I love Christmas and I’m going to jump in with both feet and hope that I get carried along for the ride. I’ve had a rubbish year but I’m hoping we will be able to get some enjoyment out of Christmas before we wish this year good riddance and start focusing on 2014.

Recovery and thanks

24 hours after the tablets were administered I passed what I think was the pregnancy sac. It appeared to come away whole and after it had gone the bleeding slowed quite a bit. I was pretty lucky as I’ve hardly had any serious pain or cramping, just general discomfort. I do feel pretty under the weather but I’m not sure if that’s from the drugs or if I’m just run down and getting a winter cold.

This afternoon I had one of those moments when you realise that the path you’re travelling isn’t the norm. A matter of hours after I passed the products I was back in my car driving the three hour round trip to the hospital to deliver my little pot for testing! Hopefully we will get some answers.

So now it’s done. I have to wait until Monday to check that everything has passed but I’m trying not to think about the possibility of needing more intervention and just focus on recovery. It has been a long, tough year but it’s nearly over. I’m sure 2014 will bring its own challenges but whatever might come I’m still going to be pleased to see the end of 2013.

I’ve decided to be kind on myself this time around. After the last two miscarriages I was back in the office almost immediately. This time I went to work after discovering the pregnancy wasn’t viable but now that I’ve been through the process of miscarrying again I’ve decided that I’m going to have tomorrow off work too. Combined with upcoming meetings and parties that means that I won’t have to do a full day in the office until next year. I actually feel quite relieved. I’ve pushed myself at work a lot this year but now that I’ve stopped I’m enjoying the downtime and I’m hoping my body will thank me for it. Tomorrow is going to be a recovery day. I’m going to wrap presents, watch Christmas movies and generally indulge in a bit of pampering.

I know this is another long post but I just wanted to finish by saying thank you to everyone for your support this year. When I started this blog I had no idea that I was going to be in this situation at the end of the year but I know I would be feeling a lot worse if it wasn’t for the help and support of you lovely people. Thank you!