Only a handful of people know about our miscarriage this time around. After being quite open about our first two, I just haven’t felt like sharing this time. I don’t know if it’s because Christmas is just around the corner and I don’t want to be the bad news fairy or if it’s because 3 means we officially have a problem which means that 4, 5, 6… doesn’t seem like an impossibility and I’m already over the sad looks and awkward conversation from the people who know. Either way, I’ve just felt a lot more insular this time.
But today I got a reminder of why I don’t like sharing our bad news with people. On discovering that I had another appointment at the hospital tomorrow a girl at work asked if it was so that we could find out tomorrow what the problem is? Umm, in a word no! Then she asked if I was starting to feel back to normal yet now that its been a week since the miscarriage? She looked horrified when I explained that it isn’t a week since the miscarriage, I found out last week that this pregnancy isn’t viable but I haven’t miscarried yet. I haven’t even started. My body is still entirely convinced that it’s pregnant. I still feel extremely nauseous, get daily headaches, have painful boobs and I’m not bleeding. Essentially if I hadn’t had an early scan, I’d still think all was going well.
I think the lack of understanding of the process invoked in ending an unviable pregnancy is probably one of the things I find the hardest. I wish that people had some concept of what was involved and how long the whole process takes. My mother said to me the other day that she is certain that we’ll have a baby by next Christmas, to which I told her that babies don’t come from a stork and take almost 10 months from conception to birth so on the basis that I’m unlikely to even ovulate again until the end of January there really wasn’t much chance of a 2014 baby even without the recurrent miscarriage issue!
I know that this process takes time and I need to give myself a break. I just wish that I could get a bit more external validation from the few friends and colleagues who know about this miscarriage that if I’m not entirely over this by the end of the month that it’s ok. When they ask if I’m getting over it yet, I want to shout in their face, OVER IT?? IT HASN’T EVEN STARTED YET!