Over it? It’s not yet started

Only a handful of people know about our miscarriage this time around. After being quite open about our first two, I just haven’t felt like sharing this time. I don’t know if it’s because Christmas is just around the corner and I don’t want to be the bad news fairy or if it’s because 3 means we officially have a problem which means that 4, 5, 6… doesn’t seem like an impossibility and I’m already over the sad looks and awkward conversation from the people who know. Either way, I’ve just felt a lot more insular this time.

But today I got a reminder of why I don’t like sharing our bad news with people. On discovering that I had another appointment at the hospital tomorrow a girl at work asked if it was so that we could find out tomorrow what the problem is? Umm, in a word no! Then she asked if I was starting to feel back to normal yet now that its been a week since the miscarriage? She looked horrified when I explained that it isn’t a week since the miscarriage, I found out last week that this pregnancy isn’t viable but I haven’t miscarried yet. I haven’t even started. My body is still entirely convinced that it’s pregnant. I still feel extremely nauseous, get daily headaches, have painful boobs and I’m not bleeding. Essentially if I hadn’t had an early scan, I’d still think all was going well.

I think the lack of understanding of the process invoked in ending an unviable pregnancy is probably one of the things I find the hardest. I wish that people had some concept of what was involved and how long the whole process takes. My mother said to me the other day that she is certain that we’ll have a baby by next Christmas, to which I told her that babies don’t come from a stork and take almost 10 months from conception to birth so on the basis that I’m unlikely to even ovulate again until the end of January there really wasn’t much chance of a 2014 baby even without the recurrent miscarriage issue!

I know that this process takes time and I need to give myself a break. I just wish that I could get a bit more external validation from the few friends and colleagues who know about this miscarriage that if I’m not entirely over this by the end of the month that it’s ok. When they ask if I’m getting over it yet, I want to shout in their face, OVER IT?? IT HASN’T EVEN STARTED YET!

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18 thoughts on “Over it? It’s not yet started

  1. Wow…that woman sounds like she thinks going through and getting over a miscarriage is like getting over the flu. It took my body a few months after each miscarriage to even feel normal again. A few times I had to take progesterone just to get my cycle back. I hate that you’re still waiting though, I know that sucks and I know you’re ready for it to happen even though you wished it weren’t happening at all.

    • Thank you. I completely understand why she doesn’t understand the process. It’s the frustrating result of miscarriage being such a secretive thing. I’m hoping that my appointment this morning will give me some guidance on what to do to bring on the miscarriage. Thank you for your support.

    • Ive been re-reading your comment.You’ve summed this up completely about wanting it to happen whilst wishing it wasn’t happening. I never expected to be desperate for a miscarriage to happen but now that its inevitable I just want it to hurry up!

  2. What an incredibly herendous thing to say! Seriously what is her problem? So sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else xx

    • Thank you. I don’t think she meant to be insensitive, she just doesn’t understand. It’s just difficult at times like this when I feel like I need some understanding. That’s why I’m glad I have this blog to connect with you lovely people. X

      • Know what you mean, people try but they don’t understand ..wish I could go back to being oblivious again!

    • Thank you. I completely understand why she doesn’t understand the process. It’s the frustrating result of miscarriage being such a secretive thing. I just don’t feel like being the educator! I’m really glad at times like this that I have this blog and have found people like you who (sadly for you) completely understand. Thank you for your support. x

      • I’m not quite ready to be the educator either.. especially when I’m still so emotional about all of this. Blogging does help, but I’m so sorry you’re here. Thank you for your support too. I do appreciate it as well.

  3. To be honest, I had no idea how long it could take, until I had my own miscarriage. I really thought that it was an instant thing, that you start bleeding, the baby passes, and then it’s over. So, I can understand the ignorance. But expecting you to get over it right away is ridiculous.

    • Thank you. I completely understand why she doesn’t understand the process. It’s the frustrating result of miscarriage being such a secretive thing. I just don’t feel like being the educator! I’m really glad at times like this that I have this blog and have found people like you who (sadly for you) completely understand.

  4. I’m sorry 😦 This process (that is so easy for others) is just that, a process. I agree that I wish people would understand that and quit making comments that aren’t necessary! Hugs.

    • Thank you. I completely understand why she doesn’t understand the process. It’s the frustrating result of miscarriage being such a secretive thing. I just don’t feel like being the educator! I’m really glad at times like this that I have this blog and have found people like you who (sadly for you) completely understand. Thank you for your support. x

  5. I admit that I had no idea what actually happened during a miscarriage until I had 3 of them. What little of it is shown on movies and TV let me to believe you would wake up in a pool of blood and it would be over.

    When I have shared the details of what happens with friends I usually get the same head cocked to the side look of “huh. I didnt know”

    I have had a natural miscarriage, a missed miscarriage triggered by misoprostol and a D&C. I was the most fearful of the D&C, but in the end I think it allowed me to begin healing sooner. It put a clean end to it very quickly. Having to walk around bleeding for two weeks was a constant reminder of what was happening.

    • Thank you. I completely understand why she doesn’t understand the process. It’s the frustrating result of miscarriage being such a secretive thing. I just don’t feel like being the educator!

      I’ve had two D&Cs already as despite bleeding my last two didn’t progress for weeks. I’m hoping that at my appointment this morning I will get some advice on what (if anything) can be done to speed up the process.

      Thank you for your support.

  6. I really hope that I was never insensitive to someone going through a miscarriage. Because I could never TRULY understand what a person goes through until I went through it myself. I’ve had several friends tell me of miscarriages before, and of course I was there for them, but I HAD NO IDEA. And with all of the weird comments I’ve had from people dismissing my pain, I found myself hoping and praying that I didn’t do that to someone else.
    I hope that things will return to normal quickly for you but like others have said, it has been four months since my miscarriage and I am STILL trying to get things back to normal. We arehere for you!!! Sending lots of hugs your way.

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