New year, now what?

I don’t quite know why I’m writing this as I don’t really have any coherent thoughts at present but I’m trying to use this blog to record my thoughts and feelings whether or not they make insightful or interesting reading. So apologies for the upcoming ramblings.

2012 was a fantastic year for me. Everything when well. I’m sure there were probably some challenging times but none of them have remained in my memory. The overwhelming feeling of 2012 was happiness and excitement for what the future would bring.

Only a few days into 2013 I found out I was pregnant. All of our dreams were coming true. Our baby would be joining our family in September and Christmas 2013 was set to be the best one yet. Only it didn’t turn out like that. I’m not going to dwell on what happened in 2013 (it’s all recorded on this blog for those who are interested) but I will provide a quick rundown as it seems so unreal when I go through the list in my head. Maybe seeing it in print will make it more tangible: 3 miscarriages, 2 close family cancers, 1 Alzheimer’s diagnosis, husband’s unemployment and my boss leaving me to be a team of one pending a huge merger with another firm. How do I feel? Broken.

I had thought that 2014 was going to be a new start. The latest pregnancy would be completely over and I was going to focus on rebuilding myself, inside and out. I had found a weekend yoga retreat that I was going to attend in early January. I was going to start a new healthy eating plan. Starting running with the boy and find an acupuncturist to help sort out my body and spirit. And then I ended up in hospital. Potential molar pregnancy and endometriosis. On top of that it appears that there was something wrong with the test results from my first miscarriage back in March which should have been looked into at that stage but somehow the message got lost between the GP, the lab and the hospital. I don’t know much about this at the moment but I’ve got an appointment with a consultant next week to review my case.

Physically I’m still healing. My stomach hurts and I think I’ve got a UTI as I get horrid cramps when I urinate. The laparoscopy gas is still causing me a bit of discomfort and I’m STILL nauseous. I’ve said it many times before but I am just so over this. I just want to feel normal again. How can I start fixing myself when I feel so rubbish all of the time? My energy levels are nil and I’m on the verge of tears most of the time but I don’t want to cry. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m supposed to be going back to work tomorrow but I feel so detached from everything. How can I do a competent job when I can hardly keep my shit together just making lunch?

I just want a crystal ball. All I want to know is when. When will I feel better? When can we try again? When will we get some answers? When will we get our baby? I can cope with all of these feelings, work through the physical and emotional feelings, put one foot in front of another. But how can I prepare for a race when I don’t know if I’m facing a sprint or a marathon? I want to be hopeful for 2014 but at the moment I don’t even know what is realistic to hope for.

9 thoughts on “New year, now what?

  1. This post speaks to me in so many ways GK. I know how this feels, I feel it now. The detachment, the barely keeping it together, the needing to know when, how. Feeling broken, not ready to keep up with the race. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
    I’m concerned about the results of your first loss. What do they mean something was wrong? I will eagerly await your updates. Please know I’m over here holding your hand and feeling your pain xx

    • Thanks lovely. I wish that I could just be happy and positive about things but it feels like such a lie. I’m hoping that as soon as I start feeling physically better I’ll be able to start working on fixing my emotions x

  2. I’m so sorry, friend. These feelings are so all-encompassing and it sucks just not feeling like ‘you’ and not knowing when that will happen again. I am praying you find relief, answers, joy and a new start soon. We all know the ups and downs of this journey – so unpredictable, no guarantees. But I am praying you find strength and that ‘you’ will return to the surface soon. Wish I could do more than send hugs and prayers. But I do. Lots and lots of them. xo We are with you in this.

    • Thank you. You’re so right about this being a journey of ups and downs. I think I’m being harder on myself as Christmas and new year are always such ‘up’ times for me that the lows are feeling so totally wrong which is making me frustrated. I’ve taken the rest of the week off and am hoping by Monday I’ll be feeling more able to refocus on work x

  3. GK, we are neck-and-neck for the “who had the sh*ttiest 2013” award. I had 2 miscarriages, one family cancer, a series of health crisis’, marital strain, financial strain, and DH’s company has screwed us out of no less than $12k this year. But you had 3 miscarriages so I think you “win”. Lets hope that the end is in sight. XO

  4. I know sort of what you are going through. After my miscarriage, my body went completely haywire on me with a hormonal imbalance and a never ending period. I felt terrible all the time. I just wanted to feel like me again and be able to move on, but my body refused to allow me to do that. So I can totally relate. I pray that 2014 brings you great news and that you will begin to feel better. I pray that your doctor gives you some answers to prevent any more terrible losses. You deserve it so much! Hugs to you. XO

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