This blog has been a lifeline for me for the last six month. Recording my experiences and reading other people’s stories has helped me to stay sane and has prevented me from feeling totally alone. However, in the last two weeks I’ve found I’ve got nothing to say. I’ve been reading others’ posts but I’ve hardly commented, I just feel that I can’t add anything helpful when I don’t know where my own head is at. Essentially this is where I’m at:
* Physically healing – I think my hCG levels have finally retuned to normal more than six weeks after I discovered that pregnancy #3 wasn’t viable. I’ve pretty much recovered from the D&C at the end of December and the scars from the laparoscopies are fading (if not a little itchy).
* Bored of waiting – Im waiting for histology results from the products of conception which I passed after the medical management on 17 Dec; blood test results from bloods taken almost two weeks ago and results from Charing Cross Hospital to confirm whether it was a molar pregnancy. As I’ve been referred to four different hospitals and I’ve seen countless doctors, I have no idea who is looking after my case and who I can call to chase up on the results. I’ve tried my GP but didn’t get very far so for now I’m waiting for someone to call or write when they have some news but I’m finding the waiting and not knowing really hard.
* Keeping busy – As I’m really bad at waiting I find the only thing that keeps me from pacing is to keep myself busy. Thankfully this week has been great for getting out of the house. On Monday DH and I went to London for a day trip and had a great lunch at the Savoy Grill for my belated birthday. It was a great day and we were both in high spirits. Then on Thursday and Friday I had a couple of days away at a spa. I’ve never been away on my own before but a couple of days to focus exclusively on myself was just what I needed.
* Preparing to rebuild – I had wanted to start a New Year / New You detox / fitness plan but when the New Year came I just didn’t feel ready. It’s like I’ve been fighting to stay ‘up’ for ages. When I finally fell after the latest miscarriage I was really angry and in my rage I’ve been laying on the floor, thrashing my legs and screaming like a toddler having a tantrum (NB this is how I’ve felt on the inside, I haven’t actually done this in real life). Now I’m all out of tantrums but I’m not ready to get up yet. I’m just laying on the floor, taking some deep breaths and preparing myself to the climb back up. I’m going to stay here until I get the results (molar or non-molar) as that will dictate the direction of my climb back up (i.e. can we try again yet or not). I’m hoping the results will be back soon as I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting the energy to take the first steps back up.