Just a f*cked up cycle

So after my earlier excitement, it appears that my period has arrived on CD25 which is three days earlier than my last cycle and five days earlier than the one before that which essentially means that rather than being pregnant, my cycle is still completely screwed following my last miscarriage in December. I’m so hugely pissed off. I had such high hopes for this cycle and I could have coped with a BFN but not with a screwed up, don’t even know if I actually ovulated, cycle.


Implantation bleeding?

Apologies for TMI in this post. Today is CD25 and 9DPO. Earlier today I had a small amount of pink blood tinged vaginal discharge. My initial thought was “well that’s this cycle done, I’m obviously not pregnant” followed by, “how really frustrating that my cycle isn’t consistent yet, I’m not due my period until Friday”. However, so far I haven’t had any more bleeding which has now got me questioning (hoping) that it was implantation bleeding. I haven’t had this with my three previous pregnancies but I usually wear dark coloured underwear so it’s possible I’ve missed it in the past. I’m going to try (probably unsuccessfully) to not become an obsessive symptom spotter over the next few days but I really hope that AF stays away and I get a BFP at the end of the week.

Recurrent miscarriage clinic – First appointment

In good news, we’ve officially been released from follow-up with the molar pregnancy screening service. I will need further follow up following any subsequent pregnancies (regardless of the outcome) but for now that testing is done and we can focus on trying to get pregnant again.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a recurrent miscarriage specialist. I was really lucky as the consultant who I saw is a friend of a friend so I knew that I was going to be properly looked after. She works at a small local hospital about 30 mins from our home. Whist it felt strange driving past the huge town hospital to get there, it was lovely to be in a new environment. It felt like a new start and on the drive there I couldn’t get the “We’re off to see the wizard” song out of my head which I feel can only be a good sign (yes I’m willing to look for positive signs in everything).

The appointment itself was fairly uneventful. They took my weight, height, blood pressure, medical and family history and discussed my pregnancies to date. I don’t think I learnt anything new (I’m blaming you guys because I’ve learnt so much from you already just by reading your posts) but it was great to hear what I thought being repeated.

She arranged for me to have the following blood tests and booked a follow up appointment for seven weeks time but said to let her know if we conceive before then as she would want to book an early scan. She also recommended taking low dose aspirin if I do conceive because whilst she doesn’t know if it will help, it won’t do any harm and might be useful if I have a clotting issue.

The tests that were ordered are (this is so I don’t forget what I’ve had done):
FBC (full blood count)
LA (Lupus Anticoagulant)
aCL ( anticardiolipin antibodies)
Thrombophilia screen
TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone)

At this stage she doesn’t propose doing any more detailed testing and said that the boy wouldn’t need any tests at this stage. I think I was a little disappointed that we aren’t going to learn more. I seem to read about people who’ve had full semen analysis and know their egg quality and AMH level but this might be more likely to be tested for IVF rather than recurrent miscarriage?? At this stage my main focus is just getting pregnant again. I’m feeling positive that the chances of having a successful pregnancy are higher than the chances of another miscarriage so I’m keen to see if we can have a ‘happy number 4’.

Today is CD 21 so we’ve done everything we can this month now it’s just a waiting game to see if we caught the eggie. Fingers crossed by the end of this month I’ll see a BFP.

When parents question whether their children were worth having

The boy and I are at the age when the majority of our friendship group have children or are pregnant and I’ve noticed recently that a lot of them seem to be questioning whether having their children was really worth giving up their social lives, stifling their careers, the endless sleepless nights etc.

A few weeks ago a friend told me that if they could go back they would have waited until they were older before having a baby (they’re 33 and their baby is 14 months). Today another friend put on Facebook a link to an article about babies “Are they really worth it?” which essentially concluded that you make the most of having a baby but your old life is ruined forever (the analogy being that a baby is like winning the lottery but losing a leg).

When you feel like your entire life is focused on trying to get pregnant and sustain a successful pregnancy it is really hard to hear people who have a baby with no effort at all questioning whether it was worth it. Almost questioning why you’re bothering and implying they would swap their life with yours.

I’m not naive. I don’t imagine that having a baby is all giggles and sleepy cuddles. I know there will be difficult times when I struggle with the lack of sleep and loss of independence. In fact one of my biggest worries is getting post natal depression. I’m conscious that recurrent miscarriage can greatly increase the risk of mental health issues post pregnancy. But when I think about what I’ve been through so far and I’m still no closer to having a baby, I need parents who’ve made it to the other side to remind me why I’m doing this and to make me feel like the months of un-romantic sex, weeks of praying that each pregnancy would last, pain of miscarriage and surgery and months of mourning, is going to be worth it in the end.

I hope that if I am able to have a baby that I will feel differently to my friends. They miss their old lives because they have nothing but fond memories, whereas I find that being able to go to a pub on a Wednesday is simply a reminder that my life isn’t where I want it to be. I have had a good time focusing on my career, taking expensive holidays and going for impromptu dinners and drinks but now feel like I’m done with that and I’m ready for the next step. But what if I’m wrong? If they are right and this part of my life is as good as it gets, why am I going through all this pain and heartache just to get a baby which those who have one seem to resent and would trade to get their old lives back?

Trying, trying and trying some more to conceive

This is our first month of TTC since I last got a BFP in October (which ended in our third miscarriage in December). Whilst that might not seem very long, I was very keen to try again and hated the months of waiting for the molar pregnancy testing to be complete. Through this whole process I’ve come to realise that I like to be seriously proactive (or should that be a control freak??). I need to know what the plan is and what I can do to increase our chances. Having a plan helps me feel more in control.

As it is our first month back TTC I decided that we would take a relaxed approach. I realise now that I was just deluding myself. To achieve this ‘relaxation’ I decided that I wouldn’t use OPKs and would simply have sex when we felt like it and try to have a more concentrated effort around my ‘fertile window’. The problem with this is that after having screwed up hormones for months, I don’t really know when that window is. This means that the ‘My Days’ app has identified an almost two week window for TTC and because I’m a bit of a control freak and paranoid about missing ovulation, I don’t feel content to limit sex to every 2-3 days during this time. This means that we have had sex five times in the last six days and I have mentally scheduled ‘sexy time’ every day until Monday! My poor husband. If we’re not successful this month I think he’s going to be forcing me to get the OPKs out next month!

Because I’m super relaxed about this cycle (ha!) I am now finding myself becoming paranoid about ruining the boy’s sperm quality (and thus our chances this month) by having sex too regularly. The problem is Dr Google won’t give me a consistent answer. When TTC can you have too much sex? If yes, how much is too much and what can you do to increase your chances of getting a BFP? Any ideas ladies? Despite it apparently being nothing but an old wives tale, I already spend 30 mins post sex with a pillow propping my bottom up ‘soaking’ as my husband calls it to try to give the sperm a helping hand in the right direction. So I’ll pretty much try anything which could improve our chances of seeing a BFP!