How do I feel? There is a question without an easy answer.
First, and most obviously, lucky. I’m nearly 11 weeks pregnant. This is the furthest we’ve ever got and so far all is looking good.
Apprehensive. See in the paragraph above, I couldn’t just write things are looking good. I had to qualify it with ‘so far’. Whenever I think about having a baby it’s always ‘if this works out’ not ‘when’. I’m so terrified that the other shoe is going to drop at any time. Maybe I’ll start to bleed or there’ll be no heartbeat on the scan or something will be wrong with the baby. It’s always in the back of my mind. Bad things happen.
Optimistic. I try to convince myself that I’d be ok if it didn’t work out. That I’ve prepared myself and not got too attached or too hopeful. But I know it’s a lie. Every day that I’m pregnant I grow a little more attached and a little more optimistic. If this fails I will be broken and I don’t know how I’d recover.
Guilty. I’ve been blogging for over a year and have felt the jealousy and the ‘why not me’ feelings when other bloggers have got pregnant. I’ve felt like others have stolen my BFP or that their successful pregnancy has pushed the negative statistics my way. And now I feel like I’m the one making others (people who’ve supported and cheered for me) feel bad. I wish that happiness for one didn’t have to come at the expense of sadness for others.
RPL causes a unique mindset. My blog feed consists mainly of two types of bloggers (ignoring those who now have their babies). The infertiles and the RPLers (I’m in the RPL group). I’ve always been in awe of the infertiles as IUIs and IVF sounds completely horrific. In the RPL group I’m sure we regularly annoy the infertiles with yet another BFP (perhaps only one cycle after our last one) and all we had to do for it was have sex (not that that is particularly easy when you’ve been having timed, unromantic sex month after month/loss after loss). The difference comes with the BFP. The infertiles seem so completely, teary-eyed happy. They’ve worked so hard to get there. They know the statistics are on their side and they can imagine the baby in their arms. The RPLers are different. Our announcement goes something like: “A BFP, I wonder how long it will last and whether I’ll miscarry naturally or need a D&C. Please don’t hate me. It’s unlikely to work out”. I’m trying to move way from the RPL mindset and remind myself of all the reasons why this could be the successful one. But this is my fifth BFP in two years of trying and it’s hard to forget the past. For now I’m enjoying reading the optimistic pregnancy posts from those who’ve made it through IVF and IUI. Good things can happen and they remind me of that daily.
Awful. I’m not complaining (well maybe a little). I obviously would happily be ill for 9 months if I get to take home a healthy baby. But currently I. FEEL. AWFUL. My day starts at about 5am when the nausea wakes me up. I lie in bed and the world spins. Like an awful hangover or travel sickness. And it continues all day! I get so dizzy I can no longer cycle and driving the car feels a bit dodgy. I start grazing at about 7am and continue throughout the day. If I go more than 2 hours without eating the acid in my stomach feels like its going to eat through the lining and the pain is distracting. Whether I eat or not I have awful bloating. A random fact about me is that I cannot burp. This was awful for my parents when I was a baby and has meant a lifetime of avoiding fizzy drinks and in pregnancy this is causing problems as I get so gassy a look like I’m 9 months pregnant with twins and gas hurts. I am getting so fat already from all of the grazing and I have no idea what to do about it. By 2pm the headache starts and by 7pm I can’t hold my head up any longer and when i get home from work I lay on the sofa with my eyes closed trying to forget about the hammering behind my eyes. Add to this some bone crushing tiredness that makes a two mile walk with the dogs feel like a marathon and you’ve pretty much got how I feel every day. Each morning I think that I should take the day off work but it won’t make any difference. I just feel awful at home (and guilty) and its not like I could have taken 10 weeks off! The final (and frankly most depressing symptom) which I have had since 3w5d pregnant, is an insane amount of excess saliva. I know this sounds random but it’s horrid. Every 30 seconds my mouth is full and I either need to swallow (making the stomach pain worse) or spit it into a tissue (grim). My doctor thinks its because I need to be sick. I have a phobia of sickness and haven’t vomited in nearly 20 years (which make me happy) but my body’s defence mechanism is to keep swallowing to keep the vomit feelings down. This is not pleasant as by midday my stomach is full of my own saliva and I need to clean my teeth every few hours. I am hoping so much that these symptoms will pass in the next few weeks and I’ll be able to start exercising again, reduce my food intake to a normal level and stop drooling!! If any follow pregnant ladies are also feeling rough, please let me know. I’m feeling rather alone in this. Two months ago today I took part in a triathlon and today I feel physically broken!
Wow that was much longer and complaining that I was expecting. I really do hope that this is the last first trimester I’ll have to do before I get to take home my baby. Here’s hoping that a blossoming second trimester is just around the corner!