New year, now what?

I don’t quite know why I’m writing this as I don’t really have any coherent thoughts at present but I’m trying to use this blog to record my thoughts and feelings whether or not they make insightful or interesting reading. So apologies for the upcoming ramblings.

2012 was a fantastic year for me. Everything when well. I’m sure there were probably some challenging times but none of them have remained in my memory. The overwhelming feeling of 2012 was happiness and excitement for what the future would bring.

Only a few days into 2013 I found out I was pregnant. All of our dreams were coming true. Our baby would be joining our family in September and Christmas 2013 was set to be the best one yet. Only it didn’t turn out like that. I’m not going to dwell on what happened in 2013 (it’s all recorded on this blog for those who are interested) but I will provide a quick rundown as it seems so unreal when I go through the list in my head. Maybe seeing it in print will make it more tangible: 3 miscarriages, 2 close family cancers, 1 Alzheimer’s diagnosis, husband’s unemployment and my boss leaving me to be a team of one pending a huge merger with another firm. How do I feel? Broken.

I had thought that 2014 was going to be a new start. The latest pregnancy would be completely over and I was going to focus on rebuilding myself, inside and out. I had found a weekend yoga retreat that I was going to attend in early January. I was going to start a new healthy eating plan. Starting running with the boy and find an acupuncturist to help sort out my body and spirit. And then I ended up in hospital. Potential molar pregnancy and endometriosis. On top of that it appears that there was something wrong with the test results from my first miscarriage back in March which should have been looked into at that stage but somehow the message got lost between the GP, the lab and the hospital. I don’t know much about this at the moment but I’ve got an appointment with a consultant next week to review my case.

Physically I’m still healing. My stomach hurts and I think I’ve got a UTI as I get horrid cramps when I urinate. The laparoscopy gas is still causing me a bit of discomfort and I’m STILL nauseous. I’ve said it many times before but I am just so over this. I just want to feel normal again. How can I start fixing myself when I feel so rubbish all of the time? My energy levels are nil and I’m on the verge of tears most of the time but I don’t want to cry. It doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m supposed to be going back to work tomorrow but I feel so detached from everything. How can I do a competent job when I can hardly keep my shit together just making lunch?

I just want a crystal ball. All I want to know is when. When will I feel better? When can we try again? When will we get some answers? When will we get our baby? I can cope with all of these feelings, work through the physical and emotional feelings, put one foot in front of another. But how can I prepare for a race when I don’t know if I’m facing a sprint or a marathon? I want to be hopeful for 2014 but at the moment I don’t even know what is realistic to hope for.