A hello and a goodbye

First the hello….

I’m delighted to say that our little girl, Georgia Rose Rogers, was born on St Patrick’s Day weighing 7lb 6oz. I’ve written the birth story below to help me remember the details in years to come although it probably took longer to write the story than to give birth! 

We were booked in for an induction at 40 weeks due to Georgia’s decreased growth rate. I was given a pessary at 11.30am and was told that I would be checked again in 4 hours. For the first few hours nothing happened and I entertained myself by reading a book and watching Netflix. My husband went home to mow the lawn and do some jobs around the house as we figured there was no point us both being bored just waiting. 

At around 2pm I started to get some period type pains and decided to go for a walk to see if I could get some contractions going. By 2.45pm I text my husband and told him I was starting to get some pretty good pains but that I wouldn’t call them proper contractions yet (I was still able to sit and watch a film and didn’t have to ‘breath through the pain’). I asked a midwife for some paracetamol and was told they’d check my chart and get back to me. By 3.30pm I hadn’t got the paracetamol and was starting to feel pretty uncomfortable so I went to find someone but by the time I got back to my room 10 minutes later things had changed and I declared that I couldn’t cope with the pessary any more (thinking it was causing the incessant cramping feeling which didn’t feel like proper contractions) and I pulled it out. The midwife warned that it might stop the contractions but at that moment I didn’t care I just needed a break. I asked her to examine me to see if I’d managed to make any progress and she said that I was 5 – 6cm dilated and would be moved to the delivery suite. I called my husband and told him to come to the hospital as we were off to delivery (I can see from my phone that this call was made at 3.48pm). The midwife came back with a colleague soon after 4pm to move me to delivery and by that point I was desperate to have my TENS machine on or to get some gas and air. The problem was that the contractions wouldn’t stop long enough for me to get off the bed where I was kneeing and into the wheelchair.

Suddenly the urge to push was overwhelming. I was concerned that I shouldn’t as I thought I was nowhere near 10cm but my waters broke at that moment and then I couldn’t have stopped pushing if I’d wanted to. Thankfully at 4.15pm my husband arrived and was very surprised to hear one of the midwives announce that the head was nearly out! At 4.20pm Georgia was born in the antenatal ward without the aid of any pain relief (this wasn’t through choice but gas and air was only available on the delivery suite and we never made it that far). The birth was far quicker than I expected and with hindsight I’m very glad we were booked in for an induction as if the labour had started at home I don’t think we would have made it to the hospital. Overall I’m amazed at how calm I managed to remain during the process particularly as for most of the labour I was alone in the antenatal room. 

And goodbye…. 

The safe arrival of Georgie also means it’s time for me to say goodbye to this blog. I started writing after my second miscarriage to help me release and make sense of the emotions I was feeling. Now that we have completed our family I find that I no longer have anything to write. I never intended to be a mummy blogger (although I love reading other people’s) and although I will continue to read, comment and support other bloggers, for me this chapter is now complete. 

Blogging and connecting with all the fabulous and supportive people I’ve met during the last three years has been completely invaluable. It has helped me through some of the darkest times when I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. It made me feel less alone and gave me hope that we would have a postive outcome after all the heartache. For anyone currently dealing with pregnancy loss or infertility I would wholeheartedly recommend starting a blog (even if you don’t publish it) and reaching out to other bloggers. There is a fantastic community of people out there who will support you and when you need them they will become some of the most important people in your life.  
To all those who have helped me over the last three years, THANK YOU, your support and guidance has meant more than you will ever know xXx 

I’ve been dumped.

My blog is usually reserved for pregnancy / parenting related posts but recently something has happened that I’m struggling to make sense of and I’m hoping that putting my thoughts down in writing will help me move on. 
For the last 10 years I’ve been good friends with a girl who I met shortly after moving to a new area. We’ve both changed a lot since then. We’re both building successful careers, I’ve got married, given birth to a wonderful daughter (after suffering four miscarriages and a molar pregnancy) and I have another baby on the way in the new year. She’s moved to a new city (about 200 miles away) got engaged and is due to be married next year. Our relationship has obviously changed over the years and we don’t see each other as often as we used to when we were single girls in the same town (we now usually see each other every few months) but we’re in text contact regularly. I was delighted when she got engaged – Her fiancé even asked my opinion on what ring to get for her – And I was thrilled when she asked me to be a bridesmaid (as she had been for me a few years earlier). In my mind (you’ll discover that this is a bit of a theme. My thoughts on the situation were apparently not aligned with hers) all was going well and I was very excited to be visiting her last weekend for wedding and bridesmaid dress shopping with her mum and other bridesmaids. It was only the third time I’ve had a night away from my baby and I was looking forward to a weekend of adult conversation, good food and shopping. 

After a long train journey I arrived at her’s and the other girls arrived soon after. We all spent the evening chatting and the time flew by. Before I knew it, it was midnight and I was pretty shattered. Having been up early with an energetic toddler, spent the morning at an NCT play date and the afternoon on various trains. Not to mention being 6 months pregnant. I was ready for bed. I apologised for being a bit of a lightweight and headed off to bed soon after 12am. By this point the five other girls had downed about 6 bottles of wine (being pregnant I was obviously not drinking) and they were showing no sign of calling it a night anytime soon. I was a bit jealous that they were able to have a proper drink but also felt secretly glad to have an excuse to avoid a killer Saturday morning hangover. 

Saturday morning came round and we were up pretty early as we had a day of bridal shop appointments. The dress shopping was fun. My friend looked gorgeous in all the dresses she tried and there were lots of ooos and ahhs. One of the shop assistants commented that it sounded like we were at a firework display. We had a lovely long lunch and despite the hangovers the girls managed another three bottles of wine so by the afternoon everyone was pretty merry. After the last wedding dress appointment we went late night shopping for bridesmaid dresses but it became apparent that as the alcohol wore off everyone was getting pretty tired so we headed home for an evening of picnic food, strictly come dancing and more bottles of wine. 

The other girls were struggling with alcohol consumption, hangovers and tiredness and went to bed at about 9.30pm on Saturday night and I stayed up with my friend and her mum watching a Christmas film. It was a nice but uneventful evening. 

Sunday brought a home cooked breakfast and then more bridesmaid dress shopping although it did turn into a opportunity for some of the other girls to do their Christmas shopping. I’m not gonna lie, there was points during this shopping spree where I was really bored and quite uncomfortable. The shops were hot and very busy and i was carrying a huge weekend bag but I didn’t complain at all. I walked around the stores pointing out various pretty items and commenting on the other girls’ purchases. I was also certainly not the only one who was bored. Another of the bridesmaids spent almost 2 hours looking at social media and at one point the bride herself said she was bored and said trying to get the others out the shop was like herding cats. 

Anyway, lunchtime came and I had to get my train home. There were hugs all round and comments about it being a great weekend and how we must repeat it soon. I got the train home feeling happy and excited to hear what wedding dress my friend ended up choosing. And then within a few mins of being home, it arrived. The text I’ll probably never forget. I won’t post the whole thing but here’s the main points: 

* we need to have a difficult conversation

* this weekend you seemed very distant and perhaps a bit cross 

* you were disinterested and disengaged 

* I feel we have grown a long way apart in the last two years 

* it would be better if you took a step back and considered coming as a guest rather than as a bridesmaid

There were also some points about childcare as she was annoyed that I’d said my husband wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding as she’s having a 3 day wedding at the other end of the country and we won’t have childcare for our toddler or newborn. But this isn’t a new issue. She’s known this is the case since she first decided to have a weekend long child free wedding miles from our home. 

To say I was shocked by her message is a complete understatement. I was totally blindsided! The entire weekend I spent laughing and chatting to all of the girls. I kept my phone switched off for most of it and I didn’t phone my husband at all despite being away from my baby. I obviously wasn’t as merry as the other girls but they did drink more than ten bottles of wine in under 48 hours and I am 6 months pregnant so my stamina isn’t what it usually is but I have replayed the weekend in my mind again and again and I can’t think what I could have done that upset her so much. I’m obviously lacking in self awareness which has now got me worrying about the other relationships in my life. Maybe they’re feeling the same and I’m just oblivious and soon to be friendless. 

This post is getting really rambling but I want to get my thoughts out so they’ll stop flying around in my head. What I’m really struggling with is:

(i) If she thought that things had been getting so terrible. Why ask me to be a bridesmaid? Earlier in the year she was lamenting to me about how she wasn’t sure whether to ask one of the other bridesmaids (and did in the end) and yet now I’ve been ditched. 

(ii) If we’d grown so far apart why did she text me every day in the last few weeks say how she’s excited to see me? 

(iii) Why did she text my husband on the first day of the weekend saying she’d take good care of me and the bump? 

(iv) Why did she send me a Christmas card only a week ago saying how she couldn’t wait to share next year’s adventures (my baby / her wedding) with me? 

(v) Why did she bother inviting me to visit and spend two days asking me to try on bridesmaid dresses if she thought at the end of the weekend she was going to tell me she didn’t want me to be a bridesmaid? 

(vi) Why has she been saying in recent months she how she’s excited to be moving back closer to me? 

(vii) And most confusingly. Why with all the things I’ve listed above did she think I wouldn’t be surprised, hurt or humiliated by her saying she didn’t think we were close anymore and didn’t want me in her bridal party? 

I honestly don’t know how to feel. I’m shocked, sad, angry, embarrassed and at times quite resigned to the fact that we won’t be friends anymore. She has said she still wants me to come to the wedding but I really can’t see that happening. How could I happily attend the wedding and watch the bridesmaids knowing that I should have been one of them. How can I face her friends when they’ll all know I was basically dumped? And how will I ever be able to spend time with her again without wondering all the time whether I’m not being smiley enough or engaged enough and just waiting for the next “I don’t want to be friends” message. I feel like I need and deserve better than that. As sad as it makes me. I think our friendship is over. I just need to work out how to move on and what to say to my family and other friends when they ask after her. 

I’ll never forget

I might have my rainbow but I’ll never forget the ones who I never got to meet. Thinking of all those affected by miscarriage and stillbirth and those whose babies weren’t here for long.  
 

Shocked and relived

I’ve just had my 12 week scan and amazingly it’s all looking great and measuring on track. I can’t quite believe it but I’m obviously thrilled and relived. Thank you for all the good wishes and positive vibes x 

It’s going to be a long 20 hours

So we left off about 9 weeks ago. I’d just done a HPT and got a BFP. Since then I’ve had two scans at 8 and 10 weeks both of which looked great and I’ve been feeling suitably awful in my typical pregnancy style. Tomorrow is our 12 week scan (based on the previous scans I should be about 12+4) but earlier this evening I started bleeding. Not loads but enough to completely shake my confidence and have me fearing the worst at tomorrow’s scan. I’m glad I only have to wait until tomorrow afternoon but I can’t help recalling our first miscarriage when I started bleeding the day before the scan having made it all the way to 12 weeks. I think it’s going to be a long 20 hours. 

This happened today….

94 days ago I wrote a post about when and whether to try again for another baby. And today I got a BFP. If I’m honest it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I wasn’t going to test as my period isn’t even due until Monday but I woke up at 4am this morning feeling quite sick and couldn’t shake the feeling that it could be morning sickness. I told myself I was being stupid but knowing I wouldn’t be able to concentrate at work I decided to buy a test on my way to the office to prove to myself it was negative so I could get on with my busy day at work. Before the test had even finished changing the cross had appeared and so many emotions came over me. Excitement, fear, joy and apprehension all at once. 

I waited until I got home from work to tell my husband and he is also feeling cautiously optimistic. I know I should take it a day at a time but I find it impossible after a BFP. Instantly I’m calculating the due date, working out when I’d be 8 weeks, 12 weeks etc. whilst at the same time reminding myself that there are no guarantees and that I might not even be pregnant tomorrow let alone months from now. 

So for now we wait. And wonder. And try not to worry (too much).  

 

Baby, when to try again?

Our baby girl is not so much a baby anymore. In fact we’ve recently celebrated her first birthday. This milestone has got us thinking about whether we want to roll the dice again and try to give her a sibling. I have many thoughts on what the perfect age gap is: too close and they might be constantly competing; too big and they won’t have anything in common; can we afford two lots of nursery fees or should be wait until the oldest is at preschool? If we wait am I going to be too old? With all of these thoughts I keep coming to the same conclusion: Why am I trying to plan something which is largely outside of my control. 

Before we started trying the first time around we went through a similar thought process and decided to put off trying until we had bought and decorated our house. Looking back we now see how naive we were. We believed that we would start trying to conceive and within 12 months we’d definitely have a baby. It didn’t work out like that. We did fall pregnant quickly but it took 5 pregnancies including a molar pregnancy before we brought our baby home. My husband now says to anyone thinking about starting a family that they should start trying for a baby as soon as they don’t feel that getting pregnant would be disastrous. Don’t wait until you’re truly ready. Once you conceive you’ll have 9 months to get ready (and that’s if your pregnant is successful). 

I really suffered with morning sickness during every pregnancy and my fear is that if I got pregnant again I wouldn’t be able to give Charlotte the attention she deserves as I’d be struggling with sickness (or worse another loss) but I really want to give her a brother or sister if possible so I think we’re just going to cross our fingers and see what happens. Watch this space. 

When did people become so sensitive?

In the last month I’ve read countless articles along the same theme; “Don’t ask me if I’m going to try for a girl/boy, third child, when I’m going to get married / co-habit / start dating, when I’m  going to have a first baby?” etc. 

As a person who suffered four miscarriages before having my baby, I understand from personal experience that in certain circumstances answering those questions can be painful. There were times I thought I’d burst into tears when strangers enquired whether I had any children whilst I was still suffering the physical affects of a failed pregnancy. 

For me, the children question was a painful one to answer. But the same is true of almost any question. “What did you have for lunch?” can be painful if you have an eating disorder. “Where do you live?” can be painful if you’ve recently had to move as the result of a divorce or financial problems. The people asking the questions aren’t trying to offend and I doubt they even care about the answer. They’re just trying to make friendly conversation. If people don’t stop being so frightfully sensitive the only legitimate form of conversation will be to talk about the weather, or worse, saying nothing at all. With loneliness becoming a modern epidemic, we should be encouraging small talk not making people go about in silence for fear of inadvertently offending. 

Best ever Valentine’s present

I’m a mummy!

Charlotte Iris Rogers was born at 7.56pm on Valentine’s Day weighing 8lb 6oz. I was lucky to have a very positive birth experience. My waters broke in the morning five days before her due date. Contractions started about an hour later and after an initial check at the hospital I laboured at home in the bedroom keeping nice and calm thanks to a mixture of relaxing music, movement and a TENS machine. At about 4pm I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. I felt that I could have stayed at home longer if I wasn’t scared about how I would cope with the contractions in the car. I’m pleased I decided to head in when I did as when I got to the hospital I was already fully dilated!

We were quickly moved from antenatal to the delivery ward and some it had finally filled with water
I got into the birth pool and had a lovely transition period during which I chatted to the midwife and my husband whilst working through the contractions and eating the best tasting flapjack I’ve ever had.

Unfortunately the pushing phase went on longer than the midwives wanted (they only like you to push for an hour at which point they become concerned about feral distress and mother’s exhaustion) so I had to get out of the water and have a monitor attached. They made me put my feet in stirrups to ‘open my pelvis’ which I was initially upset about as the contractions were considerably more painful lying on my back and I didn’t have any pain relief but a lovely (and firm) midwife insisted and I ended up give birth on the bed. Thankfully it only took about 20 mins and after the birth I announced that it was much more enjoyable than I expected and I’d happily do it again (obviously high on happy hormones)!

I had a second degree tear which needed stitching but that was relatively painless (with the help of a local anaesthetic and some gas and air) and completed very quickly.

Once I was stitched up Charlotte had her first feed before I had a shower and we were all moved to our own room on the post natal ward.

We were in hospital until the next morning and were then discharged by 10am on Sunday morning.

Charlotte is amazing. She’s cute, demanding, funny, sometimes angry, sweet and overwhelming all at once. It’s like every moment is a new learning experience and yet at 5 days old it’s as if she’s always been here.

Just waiting

I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant and so I’m officially in the ‘waiting’ phase. If you’d asked me three weeks ago if I thought I’d still be pregnant now I would have said no. At 35 weeks I had the bloody show/lost my mucus plug and baby’s head became engaged. At that point I was told by two midwives that baby would most likely arrive in the next two weeks. This resulted in a bit of a panic when the boy and I realised that we weren’t ready at all. Since then we’ve finished the nursery, packed our hospital bag, fitted the car seat and generally got prepared for our forthcoming arrival. But so far, no baby.

I feel like I’ve had all the signs that the baby will arrive imminently. Bloody show – check; head engaged – check; bump dropped – check; constant need to wee – check; loads of braxton hicks contractions (even when sitting / lying down) – check; loose bowels and increased discharge (sorry for TMI) -check. So for now I’m just waiting. I really, really don’t want to be induced so I hope that our baby makes an appearance in the next few weeks. However, today I have a horrid head cold and feel rubbish so I’d be happy for baby to stay inside for a few more days as I’d rather not labour whilst feeling like this!

I still don’t think it has sunk-in that we are actually going to have a baby but I think that’s because it’s impossible to imagine. From talking to friends I think this is quite normal so I’m just going with the flow and hoping that I’ll discover some inbuilt mummy skills once the baby arrives.

I’ve been trying to stay active and still walk the dogs twice every day (even though it’s now more of a slow waddle). I also go to two yoga classes each week and I’m listening to a natal hypnotherapy CD every few days. I don’t know if these things will help with labour but they are helping me to feel more in control and prepared so I’m going to keep it up as long as I can.

Fingers crossed in my next post I’ll be able to tell you about the safe arrival of our long awaited (lucky number 5) baby (just writing that still feels completely surreal)!