Starting to let the hope creep in

We had another scan today (8w2d) and I was relieved and thrilled to see that little bean is still looking good. Now measuring one day ahead and with a good heartbeat. I can’t quite believe it. The sonographer was lovely and has agreed we can have another scan in two weeks time as 12 weeks still feels like a lifetime away. I really really hope that this one is for keeps!

Positive affirmations for early pregnancy

I am hoping that you lovely bloggers may be able to help. I’m finding it really hard to feel positive about this pregnancy. I so want it to work out but with four losses I find it hard to imagine a successful outcome. I was hoping that you would be able to suggest some positive affirmations that I could use to calm my mind when the negative thoughts start creeping in. I’ve tried searching the Internet but so many of them are about birth or late pregnancy and that just makes me feel more helpless as the thought of having a large belly and preparing for labour is completely alien. I’m focusing on much smaller steps and just need to get though our scan next Thursday (8w 2d) and hopefully to the end of the first trimester, then I’ll start planning the next set of milestones. Any suggestions of positive affirmations to help me keep my sanity would be greatly appreciated.

So far, so good!

We had our scan (6w 2d) and the baby is measuring on track and it has a heart beat!! Cannot believe it. We even got given scan pictures. We’ve never been given scan pictures before as it’s always been bad news. I know it’s still really early but we’re one step closer and we get to go back in two weeks time for another checkup. I’m so relieved. Thank you for all of your support. X

Definition of insanity

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results then I deserve to be given a straight jacket now. I’m might not ‘expect’ a different result but I’m certainly hopeful.

We have a scan booked for Thursday morning and I’m finding that all the feelings I had in December just before our last early scan (which showed blighted ovum and was eventually diagnosed as molar pregnancy). I’ve just re-read my post from back then and it perfectly describes the emotions I’m experiencing now:

“One minute I think this pregnancy is going well, the next I’m sure it’s all over. We’ve got a scan booked for [Thursday] so, unless it’s inconclusive, by the time I go to bed [Thursday] night I’ll know one way or the other. The problem is, as much as I want to know, I think I only want to know if it’s good news. As much as I worry, I enjoy being pregnant and I’m not ready for it to be over. I’m not thinking very much about having a baby this time, I’m trying to take each day one step at a time. But whilst I’m pregnant there is hope and I don’t want to give that up yet. I know that it will come back again with time but I’m scared of the sadness that will come if the scan is bad news. Currently life in our house is happy (apprehensive, but happy) and yet I know that could all change and the crushing sadness, tears and fear about the future will be back. I’m not ready for that yet and certainly don’t want to let those feeling in any sooner than I have to”

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than I want this pregnancy to be successful.

No news is… no news

On Wednesday I got a darker line on the FRER. Since then I have tested one more time and again got a dark line. I could happily test daily but it would cost me a fortune and wouldn’t really achieve anything as I have an entire box of positive pregnancy tests which attest to the fact that a BFP doesn’t necessarily result in a baby. So I’m currently just trying to get from one day to the next without going insane.

I’ll be a whole five weeks tomorrow. It sounds so early. Some women don’t even know they’re pregnant until after now but I got a faint positive at 3w4d so I feel like I’ve known for ages already. If we manage to get to next weekend I’ll make an appointment with the consultant for an early scan. I really want to know how things are progressing but I’d like to avoid an inconclusive scan if possible so Im thinking a scan at around 7 weeks (which currently feels like a lifetime away) would probably be a good time to aim for.

The biggest problem I’m finding at the moment is that I’m constantly trying to reassure myself by symptom spotting when nothing I feel could ever be reassuring. I’ve been pregnant four times before and I’ve experienced a whole textbook of pregnancy symptoms. The most ‘pregnant’ I’ve ever felt was at Christmas when there wasn’t even a proper embryo, just a blighted ovum and molar pregnancy sending by hCG skyrocketing, so there is nothing I can do to alleviate my fears. All I can do is remind myself that a positive test is the first step and that even after four losses, the statistics are on our side.

Not written off yet

They’re getting darker! This picture shows tests from 12dpo, 14dpo and 16dpo and the line has definitely got gradually darker. I also haven’t had anything which I’d call bleeding for 24 hours. I’m certainly not hopeful but we’re not out of the game yet.

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Still confused

This is this morning’s HPT. I was expecting a BFN or at least a faint BFP but this looks pretty strong. Unfortunately I’m still spotting. It’s lighter than yesterday afternoon but its not helping me feel hopeful. For now I’ll just keep waiting and will see what happens. Thank you everyone for your support. Sorry for the constant updates but I’m going a little insane and need an outlet.

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